If You Only Believe

15 Nov

I’ve been having some inspiration to write another short story, so here goes Part 1

Jesse knew better, her big sister told her, her Mother told her and her uncle told her; “Stay away from East Atlanta” but even at 16 she had a mind of her own. Wanting to catch the offbeat rhythm of the music and the newest dances she couldn’t learn in Gwinnett County, she had to venture into the late night spots of the city. Focused on finding 1 person swirling their hips, pointing their toes and holding their partner close, Jesse drove down 85 South Headed for Lil 5 points. She had spent her entire summer days and summer night learning the back roads and alleys of the area. Shopping at all the boutiques, googling all the hottest bars and night clubs. As soon as she turned 17, she was determined to find a dimly lit club and learn all the dances she had only seen on facebook and youtube.

Jesee was 2 days from 17, but she couldn’t wait, her inner desire of rhythmic passion and musical desires had taken over her. She had already planned her night, she told her mother that she was going on a date with her boyfriend Bobby and her mother never suspected a thing. Bobby was the all-american type, he had graduated from high school the year prior, started on the basketball team at GA Tech and had been friends with Jesse and his family their entire lives.

But Jessee wanted more, she wanted someone who wasn’t possessive of how she chose to wear her  clothes or how late she decided to stay at the dance studio to learn new dance steps. Bobby was concerned about getting drafted to the NBA and Jessee being his wife. Jesse’s and Bobby’s parents had discussed their life plans since age 5 and Jesse’s mom had a Love and Basketball themed surprised planned for Jesse’s 17th birthday and graduation party the following Saturday. Jessee had taken college courses and summer school to get ahead and graduate a year early from high school. But no one knew the inner-workings of her soul. Jessee wanted to dance to the voice of Nina Simone, move her hips to the newest Nicki Minaj song,  and although she loved classical ballet and dancing with the Atlanta Ballet, her summer class she took at Dance 411 studios in the heart of East Atlanta provided her with raw satisfaction.

Once Jesse met her classmates and found out that they partied and danced in Emmanuel’s basement she knew she had to plan her escape. With Bobby on a trip with his agent and her mother thinking she was with him, she drove straight to Emmanuel’s house, no music or cell phone, just her spirit traveling to a cosmic universe of dancing bliss. Nervously getting out of her Jetta, her mind went back to the first moment she fell in love with dance. From age 3 she learned all the ballet positions from a book her mother had bought her, she made dance routines for her and her friends to perform at age 6 and she taught her first dance class at age 10. She wasn’t trying to make a name in ballet like her parents wanted her to, she wanted to learn the real dances, learn the real culture of Atlanta, but she never got the chance.

As Jessee was pressing her key less entry, to her car a body came up behind her, she noticed the scent, Ralph Lauren, Polo Blue, but she knew it wasn’t Bobby, she had seen his ticket to New York, he had even called her from the airport.  As soon as she turned around she saw his face, the one she had feared for years. The same face that she loved and hated. It was Bobby, she had been so high in the clouds that she never saw his Ford F-150 following her. He had missed his flight and was on his way to pick her up to take her to dinner. When she was getting off 85 he was getting onto  the expressway and made a u-turn to follow her.

“So, this is where you have been, coming to another man’s house, where the hell do you think you are going dressed like this” Bobby whispered in his usual aggressive manner. Just as Jessee was getting ready to respond, he put his hand over her mouth and slapped her on her face, he had been doing this for months after he found out she was going to Dance 411 to study Hip-Hop dance. He never wanted his woman to be seen in her unitard during performances let alone be seen with the “thugs” in the city.  She softly cried as she walked back to her car, but he wouldn’t let her get to the door.  Jessee wanted to scream, and escaped  like she prayed about every night, scream for help from her mom, scream for help from her fellow dance students in the basement but no one could hear her, no one wanted to think that her boyfriend was abusing her, force himself upon her and control her every movement. But it was too late, she couldn’t scream, she couldn’t yell. She was just tired, she felt rage, come over her 105 pound body and had to figure out a plan.

Reaching into her purse to get her keys, she saw the broken piece of glass from her compact she had broken and put into tissue. She reached into her purse, but Bobby saw the glass, before she could pull it out.  What happened next no one would have imagined, but it forever changed Jessee and Bobby’s life…

To Be Continued..

Take your time..

15 Nov

At the Very Moment a woman meets you she has already determined your marital potential. If she is genuinely interested in you, she has determined how your kids will look, how your kids will be raised, where you will live, where you will get married, how her name looks with yours etc. Men however, are only thinking about how pretty the woman is, and if she has enough compatibly to go on another date with her.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a few men that think about if you are marriage material or just “cut buddy” material when they meet you. But those are few and far between. I often laugh when my girlfriends meet a guy and ramble on and on his list on stats, I can guarantee that guys aren’t doing this to their boys. If she is bad, then maybe they will tell their boys. But most times they stay closed lips, usually until he makes it official with her.

I say all of this because I think as women we must learn to slow down and take our time and really get to know the person. Behind the accolades and the body and if we even like him initially, we must really get to know the intricate details of the person.  I remember when I met my ex for the 1st time, I met him on the night of my birthday, our chemistry was ridiculous and I told all my girlfriends that night that one day soon he would be my man. Low and behold, a few weeks later we made it official but our relationship though extrememly passionate and very loving, was short lived. We both wanted the same things: success, a Christian family, love and honesty and most of all friendship. But because we were so busy trying so hard to be together and rush it all we lost sight as to the entire reason we were in a relationship.

God rates relationships as the most important things in our lives, our relationship with him first then our relationship with others. How we handle our relationships determine our future. If we rush into and out of all the relationships of our lives, we can’t simply understand how God wants us to handle these relationships.

Learn to take your time, learn to have a friendship with members of the opposite sex and get to know them… I promise the relationship and friendship will be better

Looking for Love in All the wrong Places!

20 Oct

When I got saved it was at a Christian summer camp. For 2 weeks I lived in a cabin with 4 other girls and my counselor. During those weeks I learned Christian Music. Growing up in the Black Church I really had never been introduced to christian music. 1 of my favorite Christian artists that I was introduced to while @ camp was Out of Eden. Ironically a group of Black girls who did Christian Music.

The basis of the song was sung in the lyrics “looking for love in all the wrong places,
just to find, someone who can erase the hurt you feel and if u could you’d get a potion. The love of God goes deeper than an ocean. Lookin for love u know that i can show you cus’ what i’ve found goes on and on and on and u never have to worry about it being gone”

If we could get a potion where we would never be lonely, I promise it’d be worth millions, but the song reminds us that God’s love is eternal and deeper than any potion!

Often I forget about how amazing God’s love is for me. God’s love is agape meaning we can’t touch or feel or even see God but we still love him. Falling in Love with God was the best thing I have ever done. But I realized today that for so long, I have looked for love in all the wrong places.

Don’t place judgment on me because I now know, that there have been times that we all have desired to be loved and desired to be given back what we put into the universe. But I now know and believe that it is at that very breaking point that finally God can move.

How can God bring the right people into our lives to love us the way he intended it to be when we are so caught up in loving people, places or things that will return to us void.

How often have we worked hard just to obtain THINGS! Things that don’t talk back to us, things that don’t keep us warm at night. Things that have no relation to the real love and partnership that God wants for us.

So often we overlook people and situations because we are seeking love in someone who won’t ever love us the right way. Have you ever been at your breaking point and you know that you deserved more in your relationship but you just stayed because you didn’t want to be lonely, you didn’t want to break up your family or you just didn’t know what it felt like to be loved. Let me be the 1st to raise my hand! Because I have.

I have sacrificed and agreed intentionally and involuntarily to be #2 and once or twice I probably was #47 in the matter of importance to my significant other . I gave up what I wanted because I thought that it would return the love that I was and still am trusting God for.

There are times like right now, when I’m lonely, insecure and down right beaten up because I have strong feelings of being un-desired and unwanted by someone who is on the same level spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

I can’t deny, I’m a grown woman and although sex is good, it does not compensate for real Love that God will send us. And yes having money is amazing but there is nothing that can separate us from the Love of God. Sex and Money can actually pull us so far away from the real reason love exist. We get so caught up in right now that we don’t take the time to really examine what we need forever and not just for our own personal gratification.

There are times when I can’t sleep, there are other times when I’m completely alone. No one at my house, no tv, no phone. Just me and God and I think about the mate that God is preparing for me and I often think the task is daunting! But nothing is to Hard for God. Everything I have asked for that was within God’s will I have obtained. Every person that came into my life to teach me a lesson I am thankful for. Every situation that put me in a place of success I thank God over and over for!

God’s love for me runs through every vein in my body. God’s power in my life and my future relationships are so promising. But I am sending myself and you another reminder that God can not move unless you move those people and things out of your life.

I’ve always been a loner. I don’t really like going out unless its to a friend’s bday party or sometimes just the bar. But its so different now and my heart longs for more. Not in the aspect of always being alone but the aspect of having a person. Having someone that completely GETS YOU!

I’m not an easy person to deal with all the time, but when I’ve looked for things to replace or substitute for the love I really deserve I only become more bitter and unhappy because it always returns void. It irks me when women say they don’t need a man. When in reality, God formed the woman out of the man. We need man to reproduce but not only that, we need him to show us the man version of love and honor and respect…

So I challenge you today to put your thoughts into God who matters. Let go and Let God. That situation you don’t need to be in, get out of. The money you are getting from a job or hustle is not worth the loneliness you still feel at the end of the day. Because the job will not stop you from being lonely!! Trust me I know.

Its not to much to make your requests known to God. Pray about loneliness and love and honor. Ask God to show you real versions of love and help un-taint your brain with thoughts of infidelity, miscommunication, greed, selfishness.

Stop searching for love in the places that love never really lived in. Love is from God and if it feels unsure and you have doubts it never was love. Its amazing that after all these life lessons in relationships, I still don’t know what love, purely and genuinely felt in the Eros form. Someone who desires to care about you and how you feel. Someone receptive to opening up his/her heart to really loving you flaws and all…including making sacrifices and effectively communicating desires and needs..that my loves is love, plain and simple…
Get what you need and what God wants you to have from love!!!
Stop looking for love, it just might pass you by…

What is A Christian?

24 Sep

2 Corinthians 4

Treasures in Jars of Clay

1Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. 2Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. 3And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 4The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”[a]made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Praise God from Whom All BLESSINGS FLOW

Let he who is Without Sin…

24 Sep

When I first heard the news about Bishop Eddie Long, everybody who isn’t a member of ANY CHURCH started to bother me. Not because they are the main ones  throwing stones and they don’t belong to ANY ONE’S church. But because of the harsh and brutal words they had against this man. Many failed to realize that before he is a preacher and before he is a Bishop he is a HUSBAND/FATHER and even before that he is a man. He is a man who has feelings and one who has to provide for his family.

What the media has FAILED to mention is that Bishop Long and his church have contributed millions of Dollars to not only the Dekalb County School System but to various organization, political campaigns and has bought cars, meals, food, houses for so many of his members. How many of you can say that today you HELPED somebody OTHER than yourself?!

But this blog isn’t on my opnion on the scandal of this Bishop, because

  1. Its not my place to judge him
  2. I am  not a member of his church or his family
  3. I respect and have extreme admiration for this man regardless of this situation
  4. I know his son and was once a classmate and friend of his.
  5. The court of public opinion has already demeaned him guilty and he has yet to confirm the charges or even go to court for them
  6. Bishop Long will come out from this, no matter if his church folds, his wife leaves or he has to pay out Millions. He will always be a man ordained by God and you can not take that from him
  7. How would YOU feel if someone told about every thing you had done out to the media, you would probably be in jail.

Now  that I  got that on  out the way… on to the blog…

“The Homophobia and sexophobia of black church leaders can be found in their literature, preaching, and revivalism.” Anthea Baker

When I was about 8, I met my 1st gay man. He was in fact married and he was in fact not openly gay. He did my mother’s hair and was very well known through the city. It wasn’t until I was older and in high school that I met my 1st openly Gay woman. I never quite understood the dynamic. Call it growing up in a sheltered lifestyle or growing up in the church. I never understood what “Gay” meant.  I went to church where homosexuality was not discussed, I came home and it wasn’t discussed.  I really had to learn it on my own and I must admit other than the harsh words that the black community has had to say about homosexuality I had to learn that the sin wasn’t in being gay but the sin is in homophobia.

Yes in Leviticus 20:!3  it says NKJV: (New King James Version) “If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them.” but somehow the  church seems to forget the 10 Commandments.  I won’t do bible commentary in this blog but the sin is the hating of others.  How can we believe in this scripture but also believe the commandment that says “THOU SHALL NOT KILL”

When a person in the bible asked JESUS HIMSELF what the biggest commandment was he said  in Matthew 22:36“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38This is the first and greatest commandment.39And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

How can we possibly call ourselves Christians and we don’t love other who are lesbians.   When I went to a good friend of mine’s wedding a month ago, I put the pictures on my facebook and my phone went insane. I got every question asking if I was lesbian and so forth because it was a lesbian commitment. I will not discuss m personal preference in this blog, because like i always say, the people who know me, know whom I choose to love and be with. I don’t put people in a box, the feelings that the homophobic have often change when they find out a member of their family is gay or a dear friend decides to come “out”.

The very scripture that we use so often John 7 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” is about a WOMAN.  Why is it that we condemn so harshly the women who has committed the crime but not the man, why is it we want to condemn homosexuality but let those who commit adultery, kill and steal get a pass. When a man admits he is gay not only does his family and his friend condemn him but he is liable to loose his job and his place in society.  We have got to stop!  I know we hold preachers and men/women in power to a different level and God does as well, but remember that it’s not about YOU. Before you cast the first stone know that you yourself have sinned. Instead of calling out what you think is NEGATIVE, be positive and help somebody!

Shoot me I’m a lover and I love people, despite their flaws and their desires. I pray that you learn to do the same

Verbal Intercourse

13 Sep

When I started my blog it was a way to vent or release. But it has turned into more than that. People read my blog to be nosey Don’t lie, I know you do. Some people read it for encouragement and some people just read to be informed. Whatever the reason you read it, I hope that my life blesses you in some degree.

I started to think about the things that most of the people that know me via Twitter, Facebook, my blog don’t know about me. Because, truth of the matter is, I’m like a Vidalia Onion. You see I often doubt my self-worth, I can cook very well, better than mosts folks I know, but more importantly I LOVE to cook for people.  But more than the superficial things about me, I have a serious thing for Verbal Intercourse. I love to be intimate with my significant other using words. Reaching down into each other’s spirits and pulling out the very  things that plague our souls and our hearts.

In reality I can’t have those types of relationships with everyone because then it connects them to me. I can’t help but to feel spiritually connected to someone after I have let them take a glimpse into my soul. But I have figured out that those who you thought you had a spiritual connection with can hurt you as well. Its not the kind of heartbreak we get when someone we love cheats or the relationship sours.  Its the type of feeling that even the most descriptive of words can’t describe. It literally feels like the person God intended on being your soul mate just died. Like you lost a part of yourself in someone and they don’t even have a clue that it happened.

Not saying I’m so old in age, but I don’t get to experience spiritual connections often. I have been in 3 serious relationships my entire life and we NEVER got to that kind of spiritual level, so when I finally met someone that I had that kind of connection, I was honestly trying to keep that person in my life because to some degree they were my soul mate.  But when you intervene with God’s plans there are consequences. What should have been a platonic spiritual connection turned into an emotion filled long ride.. But if that situation taught me anything it was that in real-life fairytales, u don’t need someone to save u, just someone who can let u save yourself. This person helped me to find myself and I will always be grateful for them..

So now in my current situation, I have found that I am longing for verbal intimacy. That is more important to me than actual physical intimacy.  I need someone to reach so deep inside my inner thoughts that I have no idea they are even doing it.  I’m growing day by day and I have realized that all the superficial things we desire in a mate don’t matter if we don’t have a soulful connection to someone.  The feeling of being literally re-energized and full of the spirit of God. I’ve learned that the Holy Spirit speaks through other people and I know that people speak to me directly from her!!

Algebra said it best when she sang “Its the same old story, just another lifetime, Girl wants to be  rescued, from all the hard times.  You can be Prince Charming, I’ll be Cinderella. Don’t want a fairytale, just give me ever after.”

I pray that in this new relationship we get to the level of verbal intercourse that I desire if its God’s will.  Although the entire way I am approaching our situation is different and new, I see that all of the things that happened before now prepared me for this exact moment.  Everything doesn’t happen according to when we want it to happen. There are men who desire to take it slow and build up to intimacy of any form and I adore that. I adore the fact that I’m excited about seeing someone and its not on a physical form. I adore the fact that someone remembers the things I say and actually does them! I am even more excited for the moment we can have verbal intercourse.. I can feel it coming..

I now understand that I have always wanted to hang on to that initial  soulmate fixation. TV, church and even our family teaches us that’s what love and spiritual connections is supposed to be. So we run around searching for external gratification and constant verbal gratification when in reality its, its  something we really can’t maintain.

I thank God for my circumstances and situations because it taught me that God intended love to be more logical just by the fact that he  commanded us to love.  We don’t get to choose love, God gives it to us. If biblical love is a conscious decision, why are we searching for something we “fall” into? One day I will be in love and I now understand that  the person I choose to commit myself to  will be someone who will not just commit himself to me the way God commanded us to love each other but will understand the spiritual connection.

I know everybody ain’t that “deep” but don’t settle for a companion when God has sent you a soul mate that will revive your heart body and mind on a daily basis.

Peace and Blessings

Eat,Pray,Love

4 Sep

I have been having some serious life changing moments this year. It started on my Birthday August 9th. I decided to take myself on a trip. I kept asking myself, where could I go for under $400 and I didn’t have to drive for 3 days. NYC was out of the question, LA was way to expensive,Miami was too fancy.

So I thought about the things I love so much: Seafood, water and Music. Upon further research I discovered that Erykah Badu (My favorite Artist) was playing a concert in Columbia,Maryland. The closest airport to Columbia is Baltimore. So the next day, I purchased a plane/hotel and a week later flew to Bmore. For 3 days I ate, I went to church, I slept and I didn’t touch a computer once. It felt so good to be away from home and be balanced. Other than the concert, I didn’t really “go out” everything was in walking distance of my hotel. I really was @ peace with myself and my future. And taking a trip alone turned out to be the best decision I ever made.

So tonight. September 3rd Friday. I was talking to a business associate about my weekend plans. When I told him, I didn’t have any other than working and church and sleep he said “its a holiday, do something you enjoy doing” so when I left work, I had almost but decided to go to the bar to have a drink, but I decided against it, I checked the movie times in the small theater by my house and went to go see “Eat, Pray, Love.”

I’ll admit when the whole phenomena was going on about “EPL” I wasn’t enthused. I some how ended up with 2 copies of this book (which at time of writing this blog I can’t find either :( )and I couldn’t get through the book. There was too many internal thoughts going on, and honestly @ the time I had too much going on to read about some rich white lady and her issues when I was a middle class black woman working pay check to pay check.

But the Spirit led me to see this movie alone and it truly was an epiphany. This movie spoke to me on more than 1 level. I probably could write a book on my experiences just because of the inspiration of this book. It has really changed my thinking.

I have a short mental bucket list of things I want to do before my next birthday a year from now and 1 of them includes taking another trip alone. And I encourage every woman to do the same. The author of this book who the movie was themed after taught me a lot but the main point is this: Balance.

I’ve tried my whole life to juggle when I really needed to learn how to Balance..

Eat, Pray, Love

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