Everyone from my Ex to my grandma want to know why I’m single. When I give men my stats: “late 20′s, great cook, no kids, college educated” their immediate response is “why are u single”
How the hell am I supposed to know?
I can’t lie I often wonder what is wrong me! I have everything men ask for but yet I’m single. I have girlfriends that are single and I know why! They are nagging and annoying and slightly crazy. Me on the other hand I don’t display the “usual” single woman tendencies. I go to church, love football! I just want someone who loves me for me! Is that to much to ask for?

Don’t get me wrong this blog isn’t my ploy to say I’m desperate for a man, because truth is, if I wanted to, I could go on a date every night if I wanted to. But I’d like to meet someone that just is genuinely interested in me and not married, or has baggage that’s still there, or even doesn’t want a serious relationship. I’m not worried about when it will come because I know it will! I haven’t been in a serious relationship in over 2yrs! But I wish people would stop asking!!!! Geesh! Lol

My name is Jenee and I seriously have no clue why I’m single!

Goodnight!

I never wanted to be average, even at the age of 8 I had to have the best pencils, the best grades, the best clothes. I’ve always aimed for excellence and I may not have graduated with a 4.0 or even a 3.5 but I lead multiple organizations, I worked, I volunteered.  I’ve always been one to do things for myself and not wait for others to do them..I’m not average.. and I don’t want an average man.

Before you go off.. .listen to what I am saying

I was designed for greatness, my great-grandmother prayed for me, my grandmother prays for me, my momma prays for me. Even before I was born, I was prayed for by my family.  I come from a lineage of priesthood. We may not be kings and queens and not even millionaires but we have made a difference.

I blame my family for my desires of being greater than the norm. I don’t like to dress like everyone, i never liked to wear my hair like anyone else and I always had to do something totally different in every aspect of my life. Call it original, but I call it Jenee. I never liked the boys everyone else liked, I always had a thing for the quiet ones who dressed fly but could still out talk me if given the opportunity. So what do you mean by not average, you say? I mean a quest for excellence, never settling for a full time job and a few college degrees, a husband and 3 kids. I mean going above and beyond buying a house for you in the suburbs or wearing the latest fashions. That is average.

I’m not average, I can make a $20 outfit look like it cost $1000

I can cook a meal that uses 3 ingredients but looks like gourmet. I love going above and beyond. Thinking out side of the box. Knowing that my destiny lyes in the people I help. Every person I have talked to, encouraged and yes even cursed out. I’m not average, there is nothing spectacular to me about having a house in the suburbs with kids, working jobs that you “love” gaining multiple degrees and having a few nice cars, that is average.

I’m always thinking of more, how can I set myself apart. When the average person is garnering another degree and teaching, I’d rather be overseas learning and teaching. When the average person is going to work every day, I’d rather be working for the man, myself and everyone that can afford to pay me.  I can’t stop with just one thing, I’m not satisfied with 1 job or even 2. I can not be average. Maybe that’s my problem, I can’t be with an average person. As much as I love football and as much as I love staying home, I can’t be average and sit at home and watch a football game or even go to the local bar to watch it. I need to be at the game, decked out in my black and red and having a business meeting at the same time while enjoying my friends.

My quest isn’t easy and the road isn’t either but needless to say.. I am not Average

I feel abandoned..

Abandoned by the love I never had

Abandoned by the thoughts of laughter, joy

and yes the simple pleasure

of seeing you

I’m Abandoned

by the thought of your voice

the smell of your shirts

even when  you were in the gym

I’m abandoned

and there is this little hole in my heart

that can’t be mended because

I’ m abandoned

by the sweet aroma of your words in my ear

the spark in your voice

the tickling on my hips

What made you abandon me

Was it my persistance

was it my attitude

or was it the desire for all your love

I can’t help to love you more

can’t help but to desire more

even when you abandoned me

I still remember every letter of all 10 of your names

every note in the scent of your skin

every detail of your hands

the way your nose wrinkles when you don’t like something

wasn’t I good enough

you

abandoned

me

my heart

my life

my phone calls

you abandoned me

and for that I

say

thank

you

I’ve been having some inspiration to write another short story, so here goes Part 1

Jesse knew better, her big sister told her, her Mother told her and her uncle told her; “Stay away from East Atlanta” but even at 16 she had a mind of her own. Wanting to catch the offbeat rhythm of the music and the newest dances she couldn’t learn in Gwinnett County, she had to venture into the late night spots of the city. Focused on finding 1 person swirling their hips, pointing their toes and holding their partner close, Jesse drove down 85 South Headed for Lil 5 points. She had spent her entire summer days and summer night learning the back roads and alleys of the area. Shopping at all the boutiques, googling all the hottest bars and night clubs. As soon as she turned 17, she was determined to find a dimly lit club and learn all the dances she had only seen on facebook and youtube.

Jesee was 2 days from 17, but she couldn’t wait, her inner desire of rhythmic passion and musical desires had taken over her. She had already planned her night, she told her mother that she was going on a date with her boyfriend Bobby and her mother never suspected a thing. Bobby was the all-american type, he had graduated from high school the year prior, started on the basketball team at GA Tech and had been friends with Jesse and his family their entire lives.

But Jessee wanted more, she wanted someone who wasn’t possessive of how she chose to wear her  clothes or how late she decided to stay at the dance studio to learn new dance steps. Bobby was concerned about getting drafted to the NBA and Jessee being his wife. Jesse’s and Bobby’s parents had discussed their life plans since age 5 and Jesse’s mom had a Love and Basketball themed surprised planned for Jesse’s 17th birthday and graduation party the following Saturday. Jessee had taken college courses and summer school to get ahead and graduate a year early from high school. But no one knew the inner-workings of her soul. Jessee wanted to dance to the voice of Nina Simone, move her hips to the newest Nicki Minaj song,  and although she loved classical ballet and dancing with the Atlanta Ballet, her summer class she took at Dance 411 studios in the heart of East Atlanta provided her with raw satisfaction.

Once Jesse met her classmates and found out that they partied and danced in Emmanuel’s basement she knew she had to plan her escape. With Bobby on a trip with his agent and her mother thinking she was with him, she drove straight to Emmanuel’s house, no music or cell phone, just her spirit traveling to a cosmic universe of dancing bliss. Nervously getting out of her Jetta, her mind went back to the first moment she fell in love with dance. From age 3 she learned all the ballet positions from a book her mother had bought her, she made dance routines for her and her friends to perform at age 6 and she taught her first dance class at age 10. She wasn’t trying to make a name in ballet like her parents wanted her to, she wanted to learn the real dances, learn the real culture of Atlanta, but she never got the chance.

As Jessee was pressing her key less entry, to her car a body came up behind her, she noticed the scent, Ralph Lauren, Polo Blue, but she knew it wasn’t Bobby, she had seen his ticket to New York, he had even called her from the airport.  As soon as she turned around she saw his face, the one she had feared for years. The same face that she loved and hated. It was Bobby, she had been so high in the clouds that she never saw his Ford F-150 following her. He had missed his flight and was on his way to pick her up to take her to dinner. When she was getting off 85 he was getting onto  the expressway and made a u-turn to follow her.

“So, this is where you have been, coming to another man’s house, where the hell do you think you are going dressed like this” Bobby whispered in his usual aggressive manner. Just as Jessee was getting ready to respond, he put his hand over her mouth and slapped her on her face, he had been doing this for months after he found out she was going to Dance 411 to study Hip-Hop dance. He never wanted his woman to be seen in her unitard during performances let alone be seen with the “thugs” in the city.  She softly cried as she walked back to her car, but he wouldn’t let her get to the door.  Jessee wanted to scream, and escaped  like she prayed about every night, scream for help from her mom, scream for help from her fellow dance students in the basement but no one could hear her, no one wanted to think that her boyfriend was abusing her, force himself upon her and control her every movement. But it was too late, she couldn’t scream, she couldn’t yell. She was just tired, she felt rage, come over her 105 pound body and had to figure out a plan.

Reaching into her purse to get her keys, she saw the broken piece of glass from her compact she had broken and put into tissue. She reached into her purse, but Bobby saw the glass, before she could pull it out.  What happened next no one would have imagined, but it forever changed Jessee and Bobby’s life…

To Be Continued..

At the Very Moment a woman meets you she has already determined your marital potential. If she is genuinely interested in you, she has determined how your kids will look, how your kids will be raised, where you will live, where you will get married, how her name looks with yours etc. Men however, are only thinking about how pretty the woman is, and if she has enough compatibly to go on another date with her.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a few men that think about if you are marriage material or just “cut buddy” material when they meet you. But those are few and far between. I often laugh when my girlfriends meet a guy and ramble on and on his list on stats, I can guarantee that guys aren’t doing this to their boys. If she is bad, then maybe they will tell their boys. But most times they stay closed lips, usually until he makes it official with her.

I say all of this because I think as women we must learn to slow down and take our time and really get to know the person. Behind the accolades and the body and if we even like him initially, we must really get to know the intricate details of the person.  I remember when I met my ex for the 1st time, I met him on the night of my birthday, our chemistry was ridiculous and I told all my girlfriends that night that one day soon he would be my man. Low and behold, a few weeks later we made it official but our relationship though extrememly passionate and very loving, was short lived. We both wanted the same things: success, a Christian family, love and honesty and most of all friendship. But because we were so busy trying so hard to be together and rush it all we lost sight as to the entire reason we were in a relationship.

God rates relationships as the most important things in our lives, our relationship with him first then our relationship with others. How we handle our relationships determine our future. If we rush into and out of all the relationships of our lives, we can’t simply understand how God wants us to handle these relationships.

Learn to take your time, learn to have a friendship with members of the opposite sex and get to know them… I promise the relationship and friendship will be better

When I got saved it was at a Christian summer camp. For 2 weeks I lived in a cabin with 4 other girls and my counselor. During those weeks I learned Christian Music. Growing up in the Black Church I really had never been introduced to christian music. 1 of my favorite Christian artists that I was introduced to while @ camp was Out of Eden. Ironically a group of Black girls who did Christian Music.

The basis of the song was sung in the lyrics “looking for love in all the wrong places,
just to find, someone who can erase the hurt you feel and if u could you’d get a potion. The love of God goes deeper than an ocean. Lookin for love u know that i can show you cus’ what i’ve found goes on and on and on and u never have to worry about it being gone”

If we could get a potion where we would never be lonely, I promise it’d be worth millions, but the song reminds us that God’s love is eternal and deeper than any potion!

Often I forget about how amazing God’s love is for me. God’s love is agape meaning we can’t touch or feel or even see God but we still love him. Falling in Love with God was the best thing I have ever done. But I realized today that for so long, I have looked for love in all the wrong places.

Don’t place judgment on me because I now know, that there have been times that we all have desired to be loved and desired to be given back what we put into the universe. But I now know and believe that it is at that very breaking point that finally God can move.

How can God bring the right people into our lives to love us the way he intended it to be when we are so caught up in loving people, places or things that will return to us void.

How often have we worked hard just to obtain THINGS! Things that don’t talk back to us, things that don’t keep us warm at night. Things that have no relation to the real love and partnership that God wants for us.

So often we overlook people and situations because we are seeking love in someone who won’t ever love us the right way. Have you ever been at your breaking point and you know that you deserved more in your relationship but you just stayed because you didn’t want to be lonely, you didn’t want to break up your family or you just didn’t know what it felt like to be loved. Let me be the 1st to raise my hand! Because I have.

I have sacrificed and agreed intentionally and involuntarily to be #2 and once or twice I probably was #47 in the matter of importance to my significant other . I gave up what I wanted because I thought that it would return the love that I was and still am trusting God for.

There are times like right now, when I’m lonely, insecure and down right beaten up because I have strong feelings of being un-desired and unwanted by someone who is on the same level spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

I can’t deny, I’m a grown woman and although sex is good, it does not compensate for real Love that God will send us. And yes having money is amazing but there is nothing that can separate us from the Love of God. Sex and Money can actually pull us so far away from the real reason love exist. We get so caught up in right now that we don’t take the time to really examine what we need forever and not just for our own personal gratification.

There are times when I can’t sleep, there are other times when I’m completely alone. No one at my house, no tv, no phone. Just me and God and I think about the mate that God is preparing for me and I often think the task is daunting! But nothing is to Hard for God. Everything I have asked for that was within God’s will I have obtained. Every person that came into my life to teach me a lesson I am thankful for. Every situation that put me in a place of success I thank God over and over for!

God’s love for me runs through every vein in my body. God’s power in my life and my future relationships are so promising. But I am sending myself and you another reminder that God can not move unless you move those people and things out of your life.

I’ve always been a loner. I don’t really like going out unless its to a friend’s bday party or sometimes just the bar. But its so different now and my heart longs for more. Not in the aspect of always being alone but the aspect of having a person. Having someone that completely GETS YOU!

I’m not an easy person to deal with all the time, but when I’ve looked for things to replace or substitute for the love I really deserve I only become more bitter and unhappy because it always returns void. It irks me when women say they don’t need a man. When in reality, God formed the woman out of the man. We need man to reproduce but not only that, we need him to show us the man version of love and honor and respect…

So I challenge you today to put your thoughts into God who matters. Let go and Let God. That situation you don’t need to be in, get out of. The money you are getting from a job or hustle is not worth the loneliness you still feel at the end of the day. Because the job will not stop you from being lonely!! Trust me I know.

Its not to much to make your requests known to God. Pray about loneliness and love and honor. Ask God to show you real versions of love and help un-taint your brain with thoughts of infidelity, miscommunication, greed, selfishness.

Stop searching for love in the places that love never really lived in. Love is from God and if it feels unsure and you have doubts it never was love. Its amazing that after all these life lessons in relationships, I still don’t know what love, purely and genuinely felt in the Eros form. Someone who desires to care about you and how you feel. Someone receptive to opening up his/her heart to really loving you flaws and all…including making sacrifices and effectively communicating desires and needs..that my loves is love, plain and simple…
Get what you need and what God wants you to have from love!!!
Stop looking for love, it just might pass you by…