So I thought about the things I love so much: Seafood, water and Music. Upon further research I discovered that Erykah Badu (My favorite Artist) was playing a concert in Columbia,Maryland. The closest airport to Columbia is Baltimore. So the next day, I purchased a plane/hotel and a week later flew to Bmore. For 3 days I ate, I went to church, I slept and I didn’t touch a computer once. It felt so good to be away from home and be balanced. Other than the concert, I didn’t really “go out” everything was in walking distance of my hotel. I really was @ peace with myself and my future. And taking a trip alone turned out to be the best decision I ever made.

So tonight. September 3rd Friday. I was talking to a business associate about my weekend plans. When I told him, I didn’t have any other than working and church and sleep he said “its a holiday, do something you enjoy doing” so when I left work, I had almost but decided to go to the bar to have a drink, but I decided against it, I checked the movie times in the small theater by my house and went to go see “Eat, Pray, Love.”

I’ll admit when the whole phenomena was going on about “EPL” I wasn’t enthused. I some how ended up with 2 copies of this book (which at time of writing this blog I can’t find either )and I couldn’t get through the book. There was too many internal thoughts going on, and honestly @ the time I had too much going on to read about some rich white lady and her issues when I was a middle class black woman working pay check to pay check.

But the Spirit led me to see this movie alone and it truly was an epiphany. This movie spoke to me on more than 1 level. I probably could write a book on my experiences just because of the inspiration of this book. It has really changed my thinking.

I have a short mental bucket list of things I want to do before my next birthday a year from now and 1 of them includes taking another trip alone. And I encourage every woman to do the same. The author of this book who the movie was themed after taught me a lot but the main point is this: Balance.

I’ve tried my whole life to juggle when I really needed to learn how to Balance..

Eat, Pray, Love

I believe that when God takes a child’s life its a precious and serious thing, in the little time Olivia was alive she changed so many people’s lives.  Earlier that year my coworker lost her 16 year old son to heart disease. I often questioned why God would take them at such a young age. But I know that God is in control.

Have you ever felt like things weren’t going your way or that the plans of your life were not as planned. Well they are exactly how God intended them to be. We may not have the  things we desire in life but God has a bigger plan.

For the past 2 weeks I have been seeing yellow butterflies everyday, not 1 or 2 butterflies but at least 3 a day. I laugh every time I see them and I even told “him” about my sightings and he never sees them. I know this is a confirmation from God that great things are on the horizon. I am blessed beyond measure and I have been filled with Joy for the past 2 days. I have no words to describe how happy I am at this point in my life. Not because of the things I have , but because of the awesome people I have around me and the endless possibilities that are occurring in my life . I truly know that the best is RIGHT around the corner! My love life is not exactly where I want it to be, my best friend is in NYC but God has a huge major plan that is about to happen to me soon, very soon and I am overwhelmed with Joy about the possibilities!

Have faith! The things that are impossible to us are ever so simple in the sight of  God. How great is our God? He’s greater than words could ever describe. This joy that I have the world didn’t give it to me, no person or thing can ever take the joy that GOD has given me.  I praise his name forever more!

Thank God for Butterflies!

I’m a Leo in every form or fashion. I like to be in charge, I love to look nice, I love to be held and kissed and I like for someone to tell me how much they like me, why they like me and how pretty I am. Its not my ego, its just my personality. I really just like to feel like I’m number one.

DWH always did that for me, we knew the role we had in each others lives, as crazy as he is, he would get close to me and hold me and make me feel beautiful all over. I appreciate that more than words. That’s all I ever wanted was someone to actually provide me with attention and affection.

So ultimately that’s my love language in pursuing relationships with people, I don’t feel loved if I’m not getting the attention I think I’m fully deserving of. No matter how busy you are, if you take the time to give me attention, it goes a very long way for me. It doesn’t have to be seeing me everyday, but a text, a call just to keep in constant contact is what I need in a relationship.

I talked to my ex yesterday and we both talked about the parts of our relationship that we loved. Everyday we would text all day. When he would be on lunch break he would call me, when he got off I would see him. We never felt smothered because we spoke each others love language.. Although, we didn’t work out, we both understood that a few words here and there didn’t mean much, we both needed to see the actions of love in affection form.

I know I discuss love languages all the time but it is extremely vital in a relationship. If you don’t give me the attention I need, it makes me feel unloved and unwanted.

30min phone calls once a day that only exist to talk about how our days were aren’t enough.. But I’m being patient.

How do you feel when your love language is returned void by the person you want to understand u?

Hello… My Name is Jenee…And I am an On-Line Dater

You got it right, I have once been a member of Black People Meet, EHarmony, Match.com, and even Plenty of Fish. Today is not the day to give a review on these sites but I will say this, all of them have their own pros/cons.

At 1 point about 3 months ago, I got addicted to Online dating. I checked my various sites more than my email. When matches or messages came to my e-mail I read them almost instantly. On-line gave me a thrill, way more of a thrill than regular dating did. I was almost at the point of insanity with regular dating. Men didn’t approach me, when and if they did they were straight DUDs who didnt care obviously.  But online dating was my way of dating hundreds of men without ever giving my number out!

1st Eharmony made me answer about 1000 in-depth questions and they matched me with my high school crushed.Needless to say, we hit it off hard. He really showed me a few things and we “dated” for a few months and realized we were better equipped as friends. We were very compatible and I often wonder how out of the thousands of people on eharmony we were matched. Call it coincidence or call it fate.but we are still great friends to this day. The details to this ordeal still makes me sad….lol

I went on a few dates with others I met on various sites and none of the dates went any further than a few phone calls,or dinners or nights on the town.. Until I met “Him”For months I kept pushing him away, I wasn’t quite sure about him. He was from NYC, a Sigma and he wasn’t my usual corporate thug. But I’m a firm believer that  When You Want Something You Have Never Had You Must Do What You Have Never Done. So, I gave him a chance and yall he is courting me! He hasn’t tried to rush anything and is truly trying to get to know me, ya girl is no longer single!

Needless to say, On-line dating has been a life changing experience and I am glad I did it! I’m an advocate for all of the above websites, there isn’t much too loose from trying!! So for all the black people wonder, there are hundreds of fine, successful men with no kids, no drama and who want to get married online dating. They don’t club on the regular or have a lot of issues. They just want someone to love!

And I know when we get our hearts broken the 1st things people say are “You don’t need him/her you can do bad by yourself” or “You will find someone better”. Honestly there is nothing that heals heartache but time. No matter whom else comes alone or what anyone says, the pain from a broken heart can live with us eternally. Maybe its a matter of rejection.

I often wonder why those who left me or those who wanted to spend all of their time with me decided they didn’t want to be with me. I know we all do it, we ask “what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he/she want me” and I know someone has said “its not you but its the idiot who dumped you’s fault” but often I wonder what can be learned from breakups? Can the man/woman tell their significant other/friend what really made them leave? Can that help improve their next possible relationship. I know things like appearance, style, mannerisms and physical attributes have nothing to do with the “dumpee” and more to deal with the “dumper” but I honestly want to know why my exs cheated or left, because I’m always trying to be a better person. Or maybe not even my “ex” but the guy I was very much interested in and spent a great deal of time with, why he only wanted to be my friend.

I know what you are thinking, you are probably giving a million excuses for the man, “maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship.” “Maybe he wasn’t the one” “Its all God’s plane” I don’t care so much about the “leaving part” as I do for the reasoning. I wish some men/women were bold enough to say things like “I really liked you, but you just didn’t light my fire” or “I really liked spending time with you, but I’m not attracted to you” or even “I’m not ready for a relationship, I don’t want to waste your time”

I would just love to hear reasons so it can improve my life. Wouldn’t u?

to make my world feel like a fable

Or kiss my soul

and make me whole

But he touched my spirit,

and kissed my being.

He filled my body with such substantial meaning

It wasn’t just his touch

I wasn’t trying to make him my physical crutch

but the feelings I get

when our minds take make a trip

into our own cosmic universe

that makes my whole being feel immersed

when his lips are pressed against mine

it always tickles my spine

Taking the first step into his metaphysical being

I now know seeing is believing

Our souls create this secret erotic dance

We are both seeking wonder and romance

My inner moans are full of fiery desire

he touches me in spots

that lift my body higher

I wanted to end this irreproachable torture

My body was going through endless hunger

She wanted to know if we  could get on with passion’s play

But my mind told her to walk away.

As my spirit was in constant fluster

He pulled my mouth to his in a subtle gesture

As he  fulfilled my innermost desires

I felt my spirit going higher

We were both in passionate need,

my tongue was ready to feed

We were guilty by association

Both animals and God’s sexual manifestations

Our bodies got closer

was this a  paradox of our hearts real emotions

Closer to each other in mind, body and soul

I wanted all of him and I lost all control

All my  secrets were  unveiled

Every thought was revealed

This absolute emmersion

was because he………..

I’m such a genuine person, I give my all to people. Even if I just met you, I give you my all and I don’t know why I do it. It is so innate in me to just give of myself to people. I don’t expect anything in return because my riches aren’t on earth. Every time  someone burns me, I say I’m not going to do for them but then I turn around and do more. I love people, and I know God will bless me. am I wrong for wanting to be loved in return by someone other than my family and close girlfriends? Can somebody please volunteer to do something for me for once?

I’ve always been an independent woman, but I’m not out preaching that to people.  I care more about love. So what happened to the lovers? are there no more lovers? Or is that extinct these days?

No I’m not trying to rush into a relationship, I believe in courting. no I’m not going to have casual sex, no I’m not dating multiple people, no I’m not perfect but I am perfect for someone. No you don’t have to make hundreds of thousands of dollars.  No, I am not picky, but I won’t settle. Yes I can cook, and I probably will cook for you too soon. Yes I’m emotionally needy and yes I’m super honest. Yes I am too nice, yes I give too much of myself. Yes I lack motivation sometimes. Yes I plan everyone around me’s birthdays, and events free of charge and I love it!! Yes, I graduated from college, worked for many major companies, but I’m still confused as to my purpose. Yes, I love too much, love too fast and love love. No, I won’t come to your house, I’m a lady. Yes, I let the wrong people into my heart, shoot me. Yes, I can be gullible and clueless but I trust God above all he always hears my prayer!!  yes men and women tell me everyday that I am  pretty but i didn’t think i was till about 3 years ago. Yes, I’ve only had 4 boyfriends in life, all of whom still love me. No, I’m not a virgin, but yes I’m celibate. No I’m not crazy, or psycho. Yes, I have southern values and traditional ways and its rare to find someone I even like enough to date.. Yes, I fell for the wrong man, and yes he broke my heart and he didn’t even know it. Yes, I gave too much of myself, but I won’t regret it. Yes, its a never ending cycle and yes i know love will eventually find me. I tried the aggressive approach and it failed me. So now I’m in hiding until real love finds me.. whenever that is…

This probably doesn’t make since to anyone and its probably no where near as complex as I am, but its my real thoughts online and it has given me some sort of peace in the middle of this storm..

Monday we held it together and..
Wednesday we had stormy weather and..
Friday we prayed it all better and..
Sunday we heard the news.

I’m thinking about holding an etiquette class for people ages 18-30 because these YALL ARE THE MAIN  CULPRITS! Children know how to say please and thank you, grandmas and aunties know how to be nice to others and speak when they walk into any establishment but MY AGE GROUP simply has no regard for rules or regulations or simply what it means to be nice.

In case you didn’t know, Etiquette is: the customs or rules governing behavior regarded as correct or acceptable in social or official life

Top 5 Etiquette Rules

According to Miss. Jenee

1. WHEN YOU ARE INVITED SOMEWHERE BRING A GIFT, A TOKEN OR AN ITEM.

My people, my people, if someone invites you to their home, their birthday party or even to a dinner party even if you maybe paying for your own food, bring a gift!! That host has taken time, money and care to plan this event and a note or card should be the LEAST you can do to show your gratitude! Yall KILL me coming to somebody’s party at their house and not even having a card, you bring your boys, you bring your man but you don’t even bring a 2 for $1.o0  card from the Dollar Store! You come eat somebody’s food, DRANK THEY DRANK, but can’t even stop at Kroger to bring a $6.00 bottle of wine! It does not MATTER what the event is! It takes hard work and time to plan something and you should always show your gratitude! The next time I have an event and people don’t bring anything, they won’t get in. PERIOD. Call it rude, but how rude is it to expect something free and you didn’t put anything into it. Bring some ice, some cards, something! Shoot

2. CORRECT CLOTHING

Okay, men and women get a lot of slack about appropriate dress but here is the reality, THERE SHOULD NEVER be a time where you think its okay to wear jeans or shorts to a wedding, a reception, a dinner party. Seriously guys, I know, you get tired of dressing up at work and for everything in your life, but I don’t think there is any woman who thinks its cute for a man to wear jeans and a t-shirt to a restaurant other than Red Lobster, Chillis or Applebees. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some times you may want to wear the hard bottoms and the button up with a pair of jeans. That CAN be acceptable. BUT WHY IN GOD’S GREEN EARTH, do you think it’s okay to wear jeans under your behind to a restaurant where the food is $30 a person?!? PLEASE TELL ME WHERE YOUR MAMA IS?! WOMEN TOO! Since when was it ok to walk into church with the back out of your dress! Seriously! I know we want to think “We are in church, come as you are” but seriously, you should ALWAYS give God your BEST! You get dressed up to go to the club and to work, why can’t you slip on a nice dress that covers your body and worship God! I can’t stand when I see a grown woman with a halter top dress on at church. Its cute for Sunday Brunch if you wear a cardigan over it for church! Not cute to have all your breasts out for every man to concentrate on! Word to the wise, if you question it, don’t wear it. END OF STORY

3. Thank You Cards

If someone gives you something THANK THEM. You can get a pack of 5 Thank you cards at the DOLLAR TREE FOR $1.00. MY GOODNESS! Even after an interview you should send a card, just to say thank you for their time. If you can’t afford to get someone a gift, a THANK YOU CARD for even taking the time to invite you is awesome. You may say people don’t want a little card, but when was the last time you received a card in the mail, wait, when was the last time you received something in the mail other than bills and advertisements! Hand written notes and thank you cards still have a lot of value in 2010. Try it and I promise it will work!

4. Being Late

I’ll admit, I’m late to most events, normally because I have 1000 other things going on and getting there on time is not at the top of my priority list because I have other imperative tasks to complete in a day. My day’s all run together and getting to a friend’s dinner party will happen but I’ll probably be late. But the reality is. THAT IS SUPER SUPER RUDE! IF AN EVENT STARTS AT 6 BE THERE AT 6, NOT 6:30 OR 8:00. Somebody has taken a lot of time to prepare and arrange this event and the fact that you can’t be on time, is rude to not only the host but everyone at the event. So many times, I have had to wait 30 minutes to eat because somebody is late to dinner and everyone can’t be seated until the entire party is there!! grrr

5. Tipping

I have to get on a lot of people close to me about this, because it is 1 of my pet peeves. Whenever someone provides a service to you the least you can do is Tip them. THIS INCLUDES YOUR EYEBROW GIRL, YOUR NAIL LADY, YOUR HAIR STYLIST, YOUR BARBER! The nail tech/pedicurist is scrubbing your feet and you give her $1.00!! That’s about what you give the homeless man on the street!!! There are sometimes when a person has been rude, but I still tip her/him 15% of the bill. Tipping is REQUIRED people. Not an option, there is NOTHING cute to me about going on a date with a man and him tipping a waitress $5.oo for a $60.00 meal. WHAT IN THE WORLD. This woman has answered all 100 of your questions, been polite to you, brought out all of your food, stood on her feet for 2hours bringing you drinks and you give her $5.00. So her hourly rate for you is $7.00. GTFOH. she only makes $2.13 since as a waitress and usually her tips have to be shared with the buss boy and the hostess. Just as an FYI, if strippers live off tips so do waitresses. Shout out to the strippers, but even if a dude didn’t “like” the dance, he doesn’t get out of tipping/paying up, if he doesn’t tip he won’t get the dance! But when you are a waitress you HAVE to serve the person. You never know she/he may be on their 2nd job trying to take care of their kids, you are their 20th table of the day and they are just tired!!! If someone is extra great as a waitress, or has awesome food, I usually tip 20%. When my nail tech does an extra good job, I’ll tip her 30%. 15% is REQUIRED!!! MMKKKK

Well this is all for now, I’m gonna make my blood pressure go up because of these Etiquette rules, but please say nobody told you! Cause Jenee did!!

I had everything you could imagine to go with my Dolls. Hundreds of Clothes, Cars, Houses, shoes. Actually, my Barbies had more clothes than I did. I would brush their hair and change their clothes and create roles and jobs for them. I rarely went outside, if I wasn’t reading a book, I was playing with my dolls. But the reality is I fell in love with things that couldn’t love me back. I fell in love with THINGS!
Not a person but a dream-world of what I envisioned my life to be. Without knowing I had created a predisposition to the way I viewed love. I fixed my mind to loving something that couldn’t love me back. This created a prerequisite for my future love life.

I can never go back to those moments and decide to love a boy @ my school, or church, or camp more than I loved my dolls. I truly believe that understanding this has enabled me to speak directly to my true calling in life.

To Love and To Be Loved

As a society of people we are embarrassed by love. The utterance of the very word can be obscene in the eyes of some. But we must understand that Love is the most important thing in our lives. Its the thing that we should fight for and die for, the thing we yearn for but yet we feel its taboo to call Love’s name!

Everyone is so cynical about love and the generations after me are so afraid to give themselves to another person and fall completely in love. Blame it on society or predisposed — notions, the reality is they believe sex is intimacy and pleasure doesn’t have to involve an emotional investment.

Even my generation is confused on the understanding of Love. If a woman age 25-80 talks about love in her day to day life, than it is taken to extremes. People assume that she is “desperate” for someone to love her and even more desperate for a man. No one even cares to imagine that as women we are passionately interested about the culmination of Love. Because having true love in our lives is the definition of God’s presence in our lives.

As I purge through songs & books about love many fail to put the real meaning for love in it. Once I realized the dolls couldn’t love me back, I gained a deeper relationship with God. I understood that he alone is the author and finisher of love. When I felt overwhelmed or upset, my Love and understanding of Jesus taught me that God could speak to my heart to comfort all doubt and pain. More importantly, the true definition of Love.

Ill admit I want to be so in love that it crucifies my heart. Ideally I would have learned as a child how to correctly love others but learning my love language I have now taken into context that I am a giver a “doer”, a “nurturer” it started with me doing everything for my dolls and continued throughout all of my relationship.

I would do and expect nothing in return. But I was not secure in my worth and my value to understand the true essence of love. Love and abuse can not coexist. The men in my life abused my giving spirit and in turn didn’t love me the correct way. I won’t say they are bad men, but the reality is, they didn’t love me enough to not allow me to “do” so much.

In result I desired and clinged onto finding real love.I know the bible says “he that findeth a wife finds a good thing” but I was anxious. Call it a desire to reach ultimate fulfillment but I stand firm and believe that I was and still am in search of Love because God has not given be true fulfillment in the presence of my soul mate.

Love is the will to extend my purpose of nurturing into another person’s soul and spirit. But likewise in the male form. He must nurture my needs and love languages as well. We merely exist if we aren’t loved and are loving in the highest form.

We can’t say we love someone if we aren’t ready to surrender our trust and lives to another person.

But see my point in this blog is this: Love is not some huge secret that only a few people can define. Love lives in the hearts of those who are in such divine peace that their hearts can nurture and uplift the hearts of others. Love lifts us into a different dimension. Its not merely the words in the bible, it occurs in thoughts and actions.

We try to dehumanize love, our hearts get convoluted. Love is the same to everyone. It is when our bodies, spirits, and minds are one with another person. Not just romantic love but the love we share with our family members and our friends.

We can’t be at the highest pinnacle of love without love for each other.

I am a lover and a believer of all the things that love stands for. What the person I love suffers, I want to suffer for, where he is emotionally, I want to be. God is love and our 1 true destiny! Love sustains me and Love Lifted me.

Learn to love today, not something but somebody. Don’t be ashamed of the word or the actions, love fully, openly and with intimacy.

Xoxoxo
Jenee

and

neither can you.

When living in a world where all people are the same how does one remain unique?

When living in a universe where negativity, sexuality and imbalance are the norm, how does one stay sain?

Often I wonder how does one stay Christian in a world of sin? How does one remain free in a land of bondage?

When we are daily defined by our hair styles, our degrees, our bank accounts and our daily actions how do we stay free and unequivocally ourselves?

How does one grow past lust and into real love when the human brain is always in constant desire of touch?

I find it hard to live in a world where women are expected to “submit” and be inferior to a man.  I do believe that as a Christian the woman was formed from the man and that it is in divine order to take the lead of the man, but does that require me to NOT have a voice? To dumb down my entire thought process because I am yearning for a connection.

But my soul craves more. My being cries out for a soulful connection. A connection that speaks to my heart and to my spiritual duties. Not just in light of my spiritual journey but in walking and gaining power in the universe.

I want to wear natural hair without people  thinking I am “wholistic”  or for the “cause”

I want to eat pork without people giving me the bible verse Leviticus 11:7.

I want to learn more about intimacy without having sex.

I want to be more like Jesus and less like man, more like David and less like Paul.

I want to be a bible based Christian who still loves  Homosexuals,Muslims, Atheist, Buddist etc.

I want to have a person dig so deep into my soul until I feel the Lord has personally touched me.

I want to experience the angelic attunements connected to a man’s soul.

I want to wear dresses and skirts everyday and not be considered an anti-feminist.

I don’t want to have to explain the essence of my being.

I want those who love me to search my heart to find my love language.

I desire to be surrounded by members of God’s kingdom who understand that greatness does not equate to a superior view of myself in relationship to others.

I want to listen to convoluted rap songs about: disrespecting women, the gifts my hometown has and the “Drug” life and be considered a “Deep” and intelligent being at the same time.

I want to be a Christian and never be doubted on my love for Christ.

I want to write books that only a handful of people would understand but make millions of dollars.

I desire such intelligent conversation that it allows me to reach into my wealth of knowledge and surprise even myself.

I crave the attention and constant kisses of a love other than those who want the physical allurement of me.

I am heteromorphic.

I am Red Velvet.

I am emotionally imbalanced.

I am bewildered.

I am astute.

I am chic.

I am UNEQUIVOCALLY ME

AND I LOVE IT