This is my Story; This is my Song…
A releasing of your transgressions is a powerful thing. I’ve never been afraid to admit my wrong doings. I am not a perfect person and I never will be. The only perfect person who ever walked this earth is Jesus and if I can be a .00000001 of what he was in the world than I will forever be made whole.
This is a short form of my story. If you want to read please do, I just am following the spirit of God and releasing things. Not to boast or “confess” but to help another young woman who may be in my situation. I believe when we confess our weaknesses we allow others to confess their own. I’m not a perfect person but I am always doing God’s work. I could care less what you think about Alexis Jenee, the pointing out of others sins is called judgment. Putting my transgressions and sins onto a blog doesn’t bind me to those wrong doings, it actually frees me from them and allows me to be healed from the hurt that they have presented me with. My only hope is that you, the reader experiences this kind of freedom and joy. It is refreshing and truly God-Sent. All praises be to the King of Kings. The Lord our God he is wonderful.
I got saved when I was 13. I had been attending Mt.Tabor AME Church and occasionally McGhee Chapel AME Church my entire life. I knew about Jesus and I knew about God, I read the bible, went to Sunday School and was raised to confess my sins and understood the 10 commandments. But what I never quite understood the power of God. The moment I got saved I was thinking to myself “So, if I get saved, i will go to heaven,the preacher talks about how great heaven is, I want to go to heaven” But I know I wasn’t spiritually mature enough to handle this kind of “God” that my Grandma talked about.
You see I was in the church but I wasn’t in the church. Yes, I was active and I participated in church activities but I wasn’t yet knowledgable about being a Christian. But I’ll get back to that.
At the age of 15 I was having sex. Yes, I got saved at 13 but my journey had just started. By the time I was 15, I had lost my virginity. I had already begun having sex and although I wouldn’t label myself “fast” because at that point I had only been with my boyfriend, I was very sexual active. I was afraid to tell anyone, because I hung around the “church crowd” I was active in church but still out sinning and honestly, i didn’t see anything “wrong” with it. I knew it was a sin to have sex before you were married but my rational was that everyone sins, I didn’t murder anyone God will forgive me. So I continued on to have sex all the time. I didn’t feel I was hurting myself and in all honesty, it felt good. But then a few months later I got pregnant. Yep here I was 15 and pregnant. I will never forget the day I had pains so bad that I had to go to the hospital and the dr told me. “Miss” you are 7 weeks pregnant. Wait, pregnant, not me, not the leader in the church, not the leader in school, not the preacher’s niece!! No way I could be pregnant, that was what those “other” girls did.
You see, I didn’t grow up in a household in the hood. My mama was a college graduate, my grandma was a college graduate and pretty much my entire family were college graduates. Even, in the days when a lot of women went to college, back then college wasn’t required to teach; But my grandma and my aunts and cousins went on to college and taught and retired from the public school system. My family isn’t “well-off” or “Rich” but my grandparents and great grandparents worked hard and I come from a family of strong women and men who were all raised in the church. I come from a family where my great grandfather was a pastor, my great uncles were pastors, my aunts and uncles are pastors and my mom is now a minister. But even though I was raised in the church and I prayed, I still didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing.
So, here I was 15 and pregnant, I was on the honor roll, I was a relatively good child and I had no idea if or how I was going to tell my mother, father, grandmother or even my best friend but at that time I refused to become a statistic. I knew immediately that I would abort this child. I wasn’t raised in this generation were children walk around pregnant like it was ok. I knew better and although I was having sex, sometimes with protection and sometimes without protection, I was oblivious to the facts that I would get pregnant. So a week later, I aborted the child. The only people that knew were my boyfriend and the person who helped me make the arrangements for the abortion. There wasn’t a sad bone in my body. I wasn’t upset, I was determined, there was NO WAY I was having a baby and ruining the lives of my boyfriend, me and my family. I was getting ready to enter my 12th grade of high school, I had not even had a 16th birthday party!
*Just a note, I think abortion is wrong and no one should kill an unborn child, however I believe that women should have the right to choose, I’m not sure why I aborted the child, but God knew and he has forgiven me for my wrongs*
Months and years went by without my acknowledgment of this procedure. I never told my mother, never told my family. Up until recently, I didn’t tell anyone about it! I was ashamed and I was wondering “why me” Why was I being so stupid and thinking I would not get pregnant. But I was young, dumb and “in love” and it never seemed wrong.
But as I move into my next phase of life, I understand that God has always had his hand on me. There is much more to my story but understand this. The bible says in 1 Chorinthias 13:11 “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” The transgressions of my child hood were made with the reasonings of a Child. No matter WHAT I HAVE DONE, GOD CONTINUES TO BLESS ME!! I was raised to do “Right” and act “Right” but as a child, we don’t always make the best decisions. What I call childhood can exist until you are 30! Maturity and adulthood aren’t about age they are about accepting responsibility. I don’t think I ever accepted the responsibility of my actions until I was an adult. Mainly because I looked at the judgement of others. No its not everybody’s business to know I had an abortion, but it is the will of God that I confess with my mouth and believe in my heart that by the confession of this story that God will deliver and heal some broken people!
Even when you look in the bible, it is full of “Wrong” people and “bad” women Just think about Mary Madelene! She was a woman who some considered a prostitute, she was what some called demon possessed. But yet she was the closest person to Jesus!!
My sister, my brother, just because you have made some mistakes in the past doesn’t mean God does not love you. Just because you have sinned your whole life doesn’t mean you can’t be saved. And let me break it down for you, being saved does NOT mean you are perfect. It just means you are going to live a life more pleasing to God. You see I don’t see anything wrong with getting saved at a young age, some grow more maturity. But when you are older and wiser, you put away the childish things and you truly understand the power of God.
I can’t stand when people try to “Scare” you into being a Christian. That’s not the tactic I believe in. Although, my ultimate goal as a Christian is to bring others to be saved, my purpose and my ministry is to bring forth the true joy in yourself. To know that the only 1 WHO CAN SAVE US from ourselves is God! No man, no woman, no child, no job, no amount of money can give us peace but God!
You ever wondered how miracles happen? Miracles are a product of faith. The more faith we have in God the bigger our reward will be. I’m not just saying it I know it. I know it because, I have released all my cares into God. If we all took a little time to pray, our lives and our souls will be better.
Do you know that sexuality is directly related to spirituality. You see, I may not have been a prostitute or a whore, but I have sinned against God. Personally, I think the reason I turned to sex is because it meant that I wanted to feel wanted, desired, by somebody outside of my family. Yes I had a great family, but the comfort of a man is nothing that a family member can provide. I still am not perfect, I’m not going to say I’m just a born again virgin but I always keep in mind that every person I give my body too is taking a piece of my soul I will NEVER get back!
There are some broken people that read my blog, they may not always comment but the spirit of God moves me to pray for them. Some go to church every Sunday, some don’t, some read their bibles but some won’t, but the message is that Power and Life is in what we say to each other, how often we pray and have faith.
Do you know that works do not mean you go to heaven? Just because you see someone going to church and doing “right” does not mean that there is an eternal home. The only way we can go to heaven is by confessing our sins and believing that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. You can’t go to heaven just because you are doing “right” because truth is, we all have sinned and we all do “WRONG”.
Do you know how many Christians turn others AWAY from God? Just by the way they talk to each other?
I’ll never forget the moment I was called to preach the word of God. I was 19 and I had spent the entire summer, being a “hot-girl” posing in every picture, going out almost every night of the week. But I decided to go to Mega-Fest. I had already heard God’s voice telling me that I would 1 day be the voice that brought people to God but, I knew as a Christian I didn’t have to be a preacher to do that, that was my duty. But when I was at Mega-Fest, I fell down on my face in the middle of the Georgia Dome A LONE with God in a room with thousands of people. I don’t remember who was preaching or what songs were being sung, I just remember that God was right there in front of me speaking directly to me. He told me I needed to accept my calling. And at that time, I was so unsure of what he meant. I was so unsure of this “Calling”. Now it is 6 years later and I am still unsure of exactly what God’d calling is in my life.
But I will say this, God speaks to all of us, we just have to be prepared to listen. I believe my calling is unconventional, I don’t know if at this time I am going to minister in a church, I’m still praying about that, but I do know that God called me to write this blog for you. Yes you reading this my sister or brother. God called me to write this to let you know that EVERYTHING will be ok. I may or may not know you, but God knows you better than anyone, before you were in your mothers womb!! and yes God hears you, he knows everything and sees everything and yes, its ok to cry and grieve but allow the joy of God to enter your heart and accept God’s forgiveness. God forgave you when you asked him to now my sister, my brother forgive yourself and I promise you will be made whole. It’s not about what anybody else thinks its about the personal relationship that you share with God. It is ok, It is ok..
Sometimes we don’t understand the bible, the message or even the songs that are played but know that God is talking to us in the stillness of each moment
I love you…
If anything in this blog has touched you, please feel free to email me at alexisjenee@gmail.com (don’t abuse the e-mail)
