I remember when I was 12, I had this great vision of my life at 25. I would be married, with no kids, my own business of some sort and teaching little children. Boy was I wrong. At 25, I still didn’t want kids but teaching was no where in my realm. I was just laid off my corporate job, a significant other was no where in site and I lived at home with my mom and siblings. Not to great of a life at 25. But I had great girlfriends, great family and I loved my life. Not what I expected, but great non the less.

So as I get ready to enter my 30s my life is looming before me, for the first time ever, I have decided I wanted children, not just for my sake, but for the sake of whomever I may one day marry. Call that unselfish of me but hell that’s life and hell that’s me. I am selfless in most aspects. I would much rather give my husband a baby than it just be the two of us forever. and ever. 

I read the Baby Sitter’s Club books, I even watched “Don’t tell Mom the Baby Sitter’s Dead” but I never actually wanted a baby, or to be a baby sitter. I remember very vividly in the 11th grade how my Home Economics teacher gave us a baby to take home. I put that baby on the steps in the basement and closed the door. It cried all night till my sister went to take care of it. lol Needless to say I wasn’t trying to have a baby any time soon. I’m impatient, I have bad nerves and I don’t like to hear all the complaining kids do.

I remember the 1st time I baby sat my little cousins, they cried and wanted food.  Although I have always been the consummate “help”. I clean and cook for everyone around me but actually “caring” for a child has never been my thing. But the look in my baby cousin’s face when he said “Wexs” soothed my soul. I cooked him some chicken, let him watch cartoons, played a couple games and off to sleep he went. hmmm “this is easier than I thought” WRONG!

Before I had begun to lay my head down, this kids starts screaming at the top of his lungs. Little did I know, he hated the dark, was scared of the dark and I had scarred this kid of life

This

Was 

Hard

After that my baby sitting duties were few and far between. Not too many of my aunts and cousins have children, so I truly believe God was looking after me when he blessed me with no more kids in our family for me to baby sit.

So now as I near closer to 30, I am always around kids, my godkid, my friends kids, just kids everywhere. And I’m constantly reminded that kids make you less selfish, more secure, happier and overall a better person. 

So yes I think I want a kid

ONCE I’m married of course..

I’ll never forget my first “Real” Valentine’s Day. I was 16 and my boyfriend was in college. Although he was in college, I don’t think it ever felt like I was dating someone in college because he was always around. But needless to say its the one that I REMEMBER the most.  Valentines Day was on a school night, so he called my mom and asked her could he take me out.  When he picked me up I had no idea where we were going but I was more than excited. He was in college but worked as a DJ, I didn’t have a job so I wasn’t sure how far his budget would go to surprise me. But he exceeded every expectation. When we pulled up at the Universoul Circus I almost cried. If you know me, you know I love the circus. As a child, my parents took us to Ringling Brothers EVERY year, my brother was actually born during the time of the circus and instead of us missing it, my grandparents took us to the Circus while my mom was in labor! But, when I got older and found out about the BLACK Circus, I was floored! There was a black circus? With all black people? No way?! lol I’m not sure how much he spent but im sure it was alot of a college student lol. It was amazing. Then when we left the circus, he pulled out a Helzberg Diamonds box and in it was a ring with my birthstone. Ok the waterworks began. Anybody that knows me knows I used to collect birthstone rings from childhood. All in all that probably has been the best Valentines Day. On the way home, we stopped at Wendy’s and ate dinner (I mean he was in college and I didn’t care if it was Wendy’s or McDonalds he made that day special) He brought me home and I was in the clouds for days. 

So often we forget that Valentine’s day is not just about the gifts but going above and beyond for the people you care about. I would have been satisfied with flowers and candy especially given his budget, but he KNEW me, he LISTENED to me and he LOVED me enough to surprise me. Often times we get so caught up in the things that we forget what matters most. 

My mother preached a sermon this week on Love and the most significant part of the sermon to me was about the marriage of slaves. The statistics in America show that more and more black mothers are having babies out of wedlock and that overall black love is fading away but I totally believe like my mother said, its time to take back black love!  The slaves were not allowed to marry because the slave masters did not believe in it especially because at any time a slave could be traded away from his wife and children. However, slaves would go to their church and get married. How is it that our forefathers fought for marriage but we are so against it? How is it that people say “She’s too young to get married” but say its ok for her to have a child? 

I may not be in love on this Valentine’s Day or have an extravagant evening plan but I know that the greatest thing is the world is Love, our world is better because we Love, the people in our families grow when we show them love. So my challenge to you today is to show Love, not the ordinary flowers and candy love, but show the people around them that you love them. Fight for real love. Fight  marriage and pray for marriage. It’s God’s desire for our lives.

Xoxo

Jenee 

Sometimes I wonder if I am praying right. I know that for the longest time people always say you come to God as your friend and just talk to him. But I also found out in my maturity that you have to be specific with your prayers.  Saying “Lord I need a job” is NOT the same as saying “Lord, please provide me with a job I will excel in, a job that I love, a job that will enlarge my territory, a job that will provide peace and comfort in my life, a job that will provide for my needs both financially and emotionally, a job designed JUST for me, not just a job Lord but a career that will enrich my purpose and show my true gifts” You can’t just ask God for any job, because once you get that job, it may not be the job you had wished for.

As we mature in our faith, we have to know that praying and asking God for things is not merely about us, it is about how what God is going to bless us with through our prayers will uplift the kingdom of God. Have you been praying but receiving no answers? While you pray do you reduce the noise and influence around you? Are you specific in your prayers? Are you praying with the thoughts in mind that you are asking for somethings that you need that will help you towards your purpose? Pray with a steadfast hope. If  you are struggling with your prayer life and what to say read Lamentations 3. Before we start to complain, pray and ask God to bless someone else in our lives that is going through a worse situation.

Sweet Holy Jesus, Sweet Heavenly Dove,

I pray that your spirit of comfort encompasses the brother or sister reading this blog. I pray that your arms of protection cover them from hurt harm or danger. I pray that the very thing that each one of the readers are asking for God that you show them direction in their prayer life. God if its a job they are seeking, provide them with a job that will use their gifts and will provide for their needs. If its a change in atmosphere God, show them the beauty in their current situation and help them to see the best is yet to come. Lord God, if its redemption, God I ask that you give them peace like a river, you give them your sweet holy spirit to watch them as they pray for peace that encompasses all understanding God. And God I pray for those in dire need of  love, financial breakthroughs, transportation issues, that you give them the desires of their heart Lord, that you show favor in their lives so they will be able to see your face.

In Your Son Jesus Christ Name

Miss. Jenee

Everyone from my Ex to my grandma want to know why I’m single. When I give men my stats: “late 20′s, great cook, no kids, college educated” their immediate response is “why are u single”
How the hell am I supposed to know?
I can’t lie I often wonder what is wrong me! I have everything men ask for but yet I’m single. I have girlfriends that are single and I know why! They are nagging and annoying and slightly crazy. Me on the other hand I don’t display the “usual” single woman tendencies. I go to church, love football! I just want someone who loves me for me! Is that to much to ask for?

Don’t get me wrong this blog isn’t my ploy to say I’m desperate for a man, because truth is, if I wanted to, I could go on a date every night if I wanted to. But I’d like to meet someone that just is genuinely interested in me and not married, or has baggage that’s still there, or even doesn’t want a serious relationship. I’m not worried about when it will come because I know it will! I haven’t been in a serious relationship in over 2yrs! But I wish people would stop asking!!!! Geesh! Lol

My name is Jenee and I seriously have no clue why I’m single!

Goodnight!

I never wanted to be average, even at the age of 8 I had to have the best pencils, the best grades, the best clothes. I’ve always aimed for excellence and I may not have graduated with a 4.0 or even a 3.5 but I lead multiple organizations, I worked, I volunteered.  I’ve always been one to do things for myself and not wait for others to do them..I’m not average.. and I don’t want an average man.

Before you go off.. .listen to what I am saying

I was designed for greatness, my great-grandmother prayed for me, my grandmother prays for me, my momma prays for me. Even before I was born, I was prayed for by my family.  I come from a lineage of priesthood. We may not be kings and queens and not even millionaires but we have made a difference.

I blame my family for my desires of being greater than the norm. I don’t like to dress like everyone, i never liked to wear my hair like anyone else and I always had to do something totally different in every aspect of my life. Call it original, but I call it Jenee. I never liked the boys everyone else liked, I always had a thing for the quiet ones who dressed fly but could still out talk me if given the opportunity. So what do you mean by not average, you say? I mean a quest for excellence, never settling for a full time job and a few college degrees, a husband and 3 kids. I mean going above and beyond buying a house for you in the suburbs or wearing the latest fashions. That is average.

I’m not average, I can make a $20 outfit look like it cost $1000

I can cook a meal that uses 3 ingredients but looks like gourmet. I love going above and beyond. Thinking out side of the box. Knowing that my destiny lyes in the people I help. Every person I have talked to, encouraged and yes even cursed out. I’m not average, there is nothing spectacular to me about having a house in the suburbs with kids, working jobs that you “love” gaining multiple degrees and having a few nice cars, that is average.

I’m always thinking of more, how can I set myself apart. When the average person is garnering another degree and teaching, I’d rather be overseas learning and teaching. When the average person is going to work every day, I’d rather be working for the man, myself and everyone that can afford to pay me.  I can’t stop with just one thing, I’m not satisfied with 1 job or even 2. I can not be average. Maybe that’s my problem, I can’t be with an average person. As much as I love football and as much as I love staying home, I can’t be average and sit at home and watch a football game or even go to the local bar to watch it. I need to be at the game, decked out in my black and red and having a business meeting at the same time while enjoying my friends.

My quest isn’t easy and the road isn’t either but needless to say.. I am not Average

I feel abandoned..

Abandoned by the love I never had

Abandoned by the thoughts of laughter, joy

and yes the simple pleasure

of seeing you

I’m Abandoned

by the thought of your voice

the smell of your shirts

even when  you were in the gym

I’m abandoned

and there is this little hole in my heart

that can’t be mended because

I’ m abandoned

by the sweet aroma of your words in my ear

the spark in your voice

the tickling on my hips

What made you abandon me

Was it my persistance

was it my attitude

or was it the desire for all your love

I can’t help to love you more

can’t help but to desire more

even when you abandoned me

I still remember every letter of all 10 of your names

every note in the scent of your skin

every detail of your hands

the way your nose wrinkles when you don’t like something

wasn’t I good enough

you

abandoned

me

my heart

my life

my phone calls

you abandoned me

and for that I

say

thank

you

I’ve been having some inspiration to write another short story, so here goes Part 1

Jesse knew better, her big sister told her, her Mother told her and her uncle told her; “Stay away from East Atlanta” but even at 16 she had a mind of her own. Wanting to catch the offbeat rhythm of the music and the newest dances she couldn’t learn in Gwinnett County, she had to venture into the late night spots of the city. Focused on finding 1 person swirling their hips, pointing their toes and holding their partner close, Jesse drove down 85 South Headed for Lil 5 points. She had spent her entire summer days and summer night learning the back roads and alleys of the area. Shopping at all the boutiques, googling all the hottest bars and night clubs. As soon as she turned 17, she was determined to find a dimly lit club and learn all the dances she had only seen on facebook and youtube.

Jesee was 2 days from 17, but she couldn’t wait, her inner desire of rhythmic passion and musical desires had taken over her. She had already planned her night, she told her mother that she was going on a date with her boyfriend Bobby and her mother never suspected a thing. Bobby was the all-american type, he had graduated from high school the year prior, started on the basketball team at GA Tech and had been friends with Jesse and his family their entire lives.

But Jessee wanted more, she wanted someone who wasn’t possessive of how she chose to wear her  clothes or how late she decided to stay at the dance studio to learn new dance steps. Bobby was concerned about getting drafted to the NBA and Jessee being his wife. Jesse’s and Bobby’s parents had discussed their life plans since age 5 and Jesse’s mom had a Love and Basketball themed surprised planned for Jesse’s 17th birthday and graduation party the following Saturday. Jessee had taken college courses and summer school to get ahead and graduate a year early from high school. But no one knew the inner-workings of her soul. Jessee wanted to dance to the voice of Nina Simone, move her hips to the newest Nicki Minaj song,  and although she loved classical ballet and dancing with the Atlanta Ballet, her summer class she took at Dance 411 studios in the heart of East Atlanta provided her with raw satisfaction.

Once Jesse met her classmates and found out that they partied and danced in Emmanuel’s basement she knew she had to plan her escape. With Bobby on a trip with his agent and her mother thinking she was with him, she drove straight to Emmanuel’s house, no music or cell phone, just her spirit traveling to a cosmic universe of dancing bliss. Nervously getting out of her Jetta, her mind went back to the first moment she fell in love with dance. From age 3 she learned all the ballet positions from a book her mother had bought her, she made dance routines for her and her friends to perform at age 6 and she taught her first dance class at age 10. She wasn’t trying to make a name in ballet like her parents wanted her to, she wanted to learn the real dances, learn the real culture of Atlanta, but she never got the chance.

As Jessee was pressing her key less entry, to her car a body came up behind her, she noticed the scent, Ralph Lauren, Polo Blue, but she knew it wasn’t Bobby, she had seen his ticket to New York, he had even called her from the airport.  As soon as she turned around she saw his face, the one she had feared for years. The same face that she loved and hated. It was Bobby, she had been so high in the clouds that she never saw his Ford F-150 following her. He had missed his flight and was on his way to pick her up to take her to dinner. When she was getting off 85 he was getting onto  the expressway and made a u-turn to follow her.

“So, this is where you have been, coming to another man’s house, where the hell do you think you are going dressed like this” Bobby whispered in his usual aggressive manner. Just as Jessee was getting ready to respond, he put his hand over her mouth and slapped her on her face, he had been doing this for months after he found out she was going to Dance 411 to study Hip-Hop dance. He never wanted his woman to be seen in her unitard during performances let alone be seen with the “thugs” in the city.  She softly cried as she walked back to her car, but he wouldn’t let her get to the door.  Jessee wanted to scream, and escaped  like she prayed about every night, scream for help from her mom, scream for help from her fellow dance students in the basement but no one could hear her, no one wanted to think that her boyfriend was abusing her, force himself upon her and control her every movement. But it was too late, she couldn’t scream, she couldn’t yell. She was just tired, she felt rage, come over her 105 pound body and had to figure out a plan.

Reaching into her purse to get her keys, she saw the broken piece of glass from her compact she had broken and put into tissue. She reached into her purse, but Bobby saw the glass, before she could pull it out.  What happened next no one would have imagined, but it forever changed Jessee and Bobby’s life…

To Be Continued..