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An Ode to My Beau

15 Feb

The day I first laid eyes on him, I got immersed, in those big brown eyes and caramel skin. His smile was flawless and dimples, were so deep that I felt like my soul could get lost in them. In my dream he looked his eclectic style.  The energy from me to him radiated to a place that only God could have given us at that moment. His magnetic field was so strong,  it pushed us together in a way that only science could explain. His touch was so sweet, I felt like he had swept me off my feet. But what was this feeling, love, lust or just a longing to be touched. Was it a temporary feeling or was it all being rushed? Was I a flower being plucked or a volcano about to erupt?

 

“To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart”

Is The Church in the Wild or Are We all individual Churches in The Wild?

14 Sep

People that know me, Know that I am not a huge rap fan. I think the last rap CD I bought was TI’s “King”  Although, I love TIP, JEEZY and almost every Atlanta, artist only because I like the beat, not because I take the rap about drugs and women seriously. It’s all kid of repetitive and annoying to me and lacks so much substance.

But something (I call it the Holy Spirit) led me to listen to “Church in the Wild” by Kanye West and Jay-Z. I listened to the song 3 times, looked at the lyrics and lightbulbs started to go off.  Are all people  individual “churches” merely existing  and idolizing/worshipping our own “God’s” or is the church a part of the “wild” in the world. Has our life been literally made us animals living in this wild of life, without having any divine purpose. What are we allowing our offspring to believe in? Are we becoming a generation of wildly animals who are merely worshipping and idolizing ourselves, our music and even our churches?

I wonder, how we idolize so much but then wonder why in the world we gain the world but loose our soul? Then we wonder why we are out in the world killing each other? What do we even believe anymore?

Where is the soul of our future? What do we honestly believe in? Do we even care about our environment, our neighbors, our family? Or are we all just worshipping our shoes and clothes and cars?

Kanye said in the song “What’s a God to a non-believer” then he said “We formed a new religion. No sins as long as there’s permission”

We have created our own religions and justified our sins and our misdoings through our own beliefs and sometimes through the bible.

It also got me thinking about what John Lennon said a long time ago “Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue with that; I’m right and I will be proved right. We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first – rock and roll or Christianity. I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It’s just that the translations have gone wrong”

What was John Lennon saying here? What is Kanye West and Jay-Z saying? Did they stop believing in organized religion and create their own, do they love God? Is Rock and Roll or Rap a God? I’m compelled to say yes, in  spite of my beliefs because we all justify our own personal theologies. What is God trying to tell us as “believers”?  Is Christianity Dying or are we as a generation of believers choosing to worship other Gods?

So who do we believe in? Who is our God?  When there is so much that we worship, how can we ask our “God” to save us? Just because someone chooses not to believe in your “God” does it make them “Godless” or “Satanic” ? How can we praise and worship so many things by removing “God from it”

I thought there was only one God? But do we all have our own God’s?

SOMETHING To think about..

Open your mind to the reality of the world we are living in. My beliefs are only as big as my church. My beliefs are only as strong as I make them. I believe in the trinity, God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. But who am I to say that those who see God as Allah are not worthy of God’s love. That they don’t operate under the same Trinity that I do.

I believe we all have to chose who we will serve in our lives. Yes, I love things, yes I love to make money, yes I love music. But I serve God, I believe Jesus is the Messiah, Jesus saved me from eternal sins. He allows me to receive the blessings of this world. Not because I deserve them, not because I have to get them but because that is his pledge to me because I BELIEVE. Are you willing to give up what you love for who you love? Are we willing to give up our money and our time to make God happy? Or do we even care anymore about pleasing God? Yes we pray, yes we thank God for our blessings but do we give enough our time to edify his life?

Chose ye this day, whom will you serve!

Peace

Miss. Jenee

Birthday’s Always Bring Reflection

15 Aug

Tuesday August 9th was my birthday. Each year as I get closer to 30, my mind always looks back to when I was 18. Freshwoman year of college, I thought I literally had everything under control. Boy was I wrong. Almost 10 years later. I sit and reflect about all the things I had planned on doing by now.

1. Graduate Degree…. Not CLOSE and not in the immediate future

2. Married… no where near it.. cause I’m Super Duper Single..

3. Living in a house that I own… Close but not close enough..

4. Driving a Luxury Vehicle…. umm yeah about that.. lol long story

5. Making over $70k… lol.. what was I thinking..

I may not like that I don’t make a lot of money, but the fact that I do something I love keeps me happy. Although I have to work 1000 other jobs and hustles to make my standard of living. I am assured that one day God will grant me with a career that I love and get paid well to do it. Once upon a time I did make a substantial amount of money and HATED my job. So while I love my job I won’t complain until it is time for me to move on.

Being single doesn’t bother me much either because for once  I’ve learned to be alone and love it. I take myself out alone all the time and it has shown me that I can be alone and LOVE it!

What bothers me out of the entire goals by 30 list is the “what if’s” What if I had stayed with him? What if I had fought for once in my life? What if I had went straight to graduate school in the middle of this economic depression? What if I would have stayed in NC? What if I had never accepted my calling?

I remember I met someone 2 years ago almost to the week. It happened so fast. My mom told me it was moving to fast, but me being the lover that I am, I didn’t listen. Maybe because I saw him being a different breed of man. #1 he persued me.  I invited everyone to come to church for my birthday that year and although he had only known me through mutual friends and social networks. He came to church, he came to my birthday parties that year. I even caught myself being googly eyed about him and I barely knew him. We started a serious relationship immediately after my birthday. For the 1st time I had someone who I thought loved me flaws and all, then everything came crashing down, what he wanted (namely kids) I wasn’t sure I wanted.  Maybe I should have just kept my mouth closed and not have been so opinionated about things, but being the Leo that I am I always had to let everything be known.

You see, as as I get older I realize that there aren’t many times in life you really fall in love. I’m the type that if someone does me wrong I drop them and never look back. Just ask my college boyfriend. lol I’ve only been in love with 2 people in my lifetime. We will call my 2nd love. Purple.  Please don’t expect this to be a comparison of my 2 loves. Both are drastically different.

But Purple, he had me at hello. Literally. I never knew he paid that much attention to me and as time went on, I found out that we had much more in common than I cared to recognized. The one thing I loved about Purple more than anything was that he was supportive of me, that he was kind to me, that I would literally rush home, so that we could be together that night. It was the type of love I yearned for in my life. The type of love that we all wish we could have in our life time.

To this day I still love him. Even though the whole “in love” and “love” come up often in my thoughts of him because face it, we don’t just stop loving someone after we break up with the. But, Sometimes I wonder if we can ever get that love back, that love that we first have with someone. That love that makes you weak and that makes you wear something special because you know they will be there, that makes you skip hanging out with your girls, to spend time with them. The love you tell all of your friends about. The love that Years later, the only man you even talk about to them is him lol.

It’s hilarious but with each year, I wonder over and over, was he my “great love” ? Maybe I’m just naive to think that after all this time, I could still love him and he could still love me. I’ve learned to be able to express my emotions and feelings over the past few years. Before I would just bottle them up and not express them until I just blew up..

But now as each birthday  passes I realize how very fragile I am. How constantly getting rejected and ignored by the one person you thought cared about you can do to your already weak spirit. Advice to my sistahs: love yourself enough to know when to move on. Love yourself enough to love someone. Love yourself enough to recognize when someone is using you and love yourself enough to know that you are a rare gem! God loves you and no one defines your worth, not a man, not a family member, not  even your net worth.

Lauren Hill said it best when she said “I loved real, real hard once, but the love wasn’t returned. Found out the man I’d die for wasn’t even concerned. “

I wish that I could get those days back and cherish them more.  But I know its all a part of God’s bigger plan. With each passing year, I know that God has something bigger and greater in store for me. With expanding my ministry and various businesses. With getting married to the man of my dreams, with having a kid or two. living in a house that I own  and making above and beyond the amount of income I had planned to make.

I’ve learned that my mistakes make me human. That my prayers keep me going and that my family keeps me grounded. I’ve learned that although you may love someone, they may never forgive you and may never allow you to love them because they have no clue what it really means to be loved. I’ve learned that true love always returns if its supposed to and that the person God has ordained for me to be with, is waiting for me just as I am waiting for him. I’ve realized that being away from people makes it so much easier to think clearly.

The most important thing I have learned is that although I am single, I am never alone. I’ve learn to TRUST God for big things even when they seem so far away! God has set me apart for a reason. I’m rare because God wants me to be that way. I pray that everything I do uplift the Kingdom of God in a special way. A delay is not a denial!

Proverbs 3:5- “Trust the Lord, with all your heart and Lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and He will direct your paths”

God be in my thoughts, so my mind will cease to wander. God be in my dreams, so I don’t lose touch with heaven
God be in my emptiness; that I may cease to hunger . God be in my silence, that I may hear Your voice.

Lord I will trust you.. Thank you

After All that I have been through, I still have JOY!  This joy I have, the world didn’t give it to me and  the World can NEVER take it away!

STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM!!!

15 Jun

Listen to these Stories and Tell Me WHICH One you Prefer:

Man and Woman marry. They have 4 children and continue marriage for 30 years.  Man cheats and marries woman he cheats on wife with.  Woman NEVER remarries and lives with resentment her ENTIRE life for what she believes he did to her. Creating stress for the 4 children.

Man and Woman marry, they have 4 beautiful children, man cheats on wife and marries the woman he cheats on wife with.  1st Wife, moves on, gets married to her 2nd husband and although there is initial tension, the woman moves on and still is friendly to her 1st husband and his wife.

 

My name is Jenee and I have been cheated on. Not once, not twice, but multiple times. Did I die from it, No. Did I learn from it, HELL YES! Women we have to STOP playing the Victim. YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST NOR THE LAST TO GET CHEATED ON!!!

Just because he/she cheated does not make you LESS of a woman. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU, BECAUSE IF IT WAS, HE WOULDN’T HAVE CHEATED. People cheat because they are selfish, PERIOD. Not because you did something wrong, not because you didn’t do enough. What they lay down and do is between them, God and that other person. Be HAPPY THAT they did and you found out so that you can find someone who CARES AND LOVES you enough to not cheat on you. Since when did a relationship define who you are as a woman, a mother as a FRIEND.  I usually don’t comment on Reality TV because I don’t care enough but the episode of  The Braxton’s literally HURT my HEART. Because I have seen and been a living example of the life that The Braxton’s lived.

Initially I didn’t want to talk about it, because truth is, it still hurts to think about it, but I pray that this story will help some woman MOVE ON and LIVE HER LIFE!

 

Janine and Logan were married for 15 years,  they met each other at a young age, got married and decided to have children. During the course of their relationship, Logan was unfaithful to Janine multiple times. Logan and Janine filed for divorce knowing that their children’s lives would be forever changed. Janine was very hurt because the man that she loved and trusted was now with the woman he had been cheating on her with.  Janine had a hard time adjusting to life as a single mother. She had her family’s support but she really struggled initially.  Especially because less than a month after her divorce was final between Janine and Logan he  married Sasha, the same woman he was cheating on Janine with. Janine decided to allow her children in the wedding of Logan and Sasha. It hurt Janine to the core but she knew that this was all a process and that her children had NOTHING to do with the break down of the marriage between and her Logan. Janine could have chosen to be bitter, angry and ressentful towards Logan and speak negatively about him to their children, but instead she chose to move on and let her children keep a healthy relationship with their father regardless of if she was still hurt by the things he had done in their relationship.  Over the course of years, Janine and Logan’s children got older. They found out exactly what happened with the marriage of their parents. Their father had become distant, with his new wife and her children and only came around his own children when there were special events or during the summer. Although, Janine encouraged the relationship between Logan and his children, his children had gotten older and he had not learned how to balance his new family and his other family. Needless to say there was hurt for Logan and Janine’s children because they didn’t understand why their father wasn’t around them and didn’t have a strong relationship with them. Fast Forward 5 years. Janine is now  remarried, Logan divorced Sasha and has started to try to sever the things he couldn’t balance while married to Sasha. Fast Forward 3 years, Janine and her children were introduced to a child that Logan had while he was married to Janine. The daughter that he knew was his but never told anyone about or spent time with. Their lives are still growing and the story continues.

 

 

I am a character in this story, and although I won’t tell you who. I wrote it out to say, STOP holding your children and your life HOSTAGE because of what a man did to you! STOP living your life resenting someone who doesn’t even care about you ANYMORE. Janine could have easily gone on to tell her children what a HORRIBLE person Logan was. But Janine did not, she realize her children had NOTHING to do with the problems that occurred in her marriage. Instead she chose to LIVE and LOVE herself enough to see that she needed to move on and NOT play the Victim. What is even more incredible about this story is that after all these years Janine found out that Logan had a child by another woman while they were in their first years of marriage. Janine LOVEs this child as if she were her own because she is the sibling to her own children. Janine grew up with her father in and out of her life, so she wanted to make sure her children kept a relationship with their sibling.

 

We should all confront and  recognize our anger and bitterness toward others, because that is part of the healing process however, harboring those feelings and refusing to work toward the restoration of broken relationships is contrary to God’s will and desire for our lives. We need to prayerfully confess inner feelings of anger,  to God and then  surrender them to God so that he will heal our hearts and allow us to move on. When we don’t allow ourselves to forgive those who have done us wrong, we are only hurting ourselves!! 

“But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive you your sins too. Mark 11: 25″

“And I will give you a new heart — I will give you new and right desires — and put a new spirit within you. I will take out your stony hearts of sin and give you new hearts of love. “ Ezekial 36: 26-27

 

Choose to NOT play the vicitim!

 

Love you all!

Standards Do You Have Them?

9 May

I’m spoiled, and I am my daddy’s child. I like to work hard like my mother, but I like flashy things like my Daddy. My daddy has always had a luxury car since before I was born, he would scout out the auctions and want ads to find a luxury car. So needless to say, whenever I saw a man, I always wanted him to be in a luxury vehicle.  I may not have always driven the hottest whip, but my standard for a long time was he had to be in a luxury vehicle.

Ok Start Judging me.. lol

My point in saying this is that the car can so many times be a facade. Take me for instance. I drive a bucket, most times I get the most random questions about my bucket. But as soon as I tell them, it was a gift that came with no car note or insurance, they quickly hush. Women haven’t been known to have nice cars, but men have always placed more value or cars. But when did what kind of car a man drove become a standard. I know mine with my childhood and things embedded in me by my father but what about other women. Why is it when a woman sees a Suburban with 26′s she looses it but if she she’s a 95 Honda she’s immediately repulsed. But a car doesn’t always define a man or a woman.

My uncle was a college professor and wore the same Wrangler Jeans and drove a 20 year old car. The average woman would look him over. But he had a Ph.D, no children, saved alot of money and is a very nice person.

I recently met someone with a bucket, and my immediate thought was NO WAY. But I knew this was a test because the reality is I drive a bucket myself, how can I judge what kind of car he has, especially because he is so nice and has my other required standards.

So what are your standards? Does he/she have to have a nice whip? Does he have to be college educated? What are your non negotiables?

For every Sista that Wants Love…

22 Jan

Let me start off  this blog by saying a few things, whenever I am faced with a decision that will change my life, I write it out. Usually it doesn’t make sense to anybody but me, but it seems as if this time is when the “Real” sensible and grounded me somehow takes over the pen or computer. I like most people enjoy any kind of change where I know what the outcome will be.  But with this change I’m not sure what the outcome is going to be and that has scared me to death. But I have to keep telling myself through tears sometimes and long letters to myself that with change something great will come out it… I realized that in order to move forward I must tell the truth, not only to the ones we love, but tell ourselves the truth about our own actions.    I had been in a  constant state of fear about how my life would turn out if I choose to tell the absolute truth to myself and accept God’s promise for my life, I realized that I would have to be held accountable for all of my actions but trusted that when I did, everything would work out fine. This is my time to tell the truth… Keep me in your prayers.


 

 

I’ve always been smart. Underachiever yes, slacker yes, but I’ve always been smart. My teacher’s noticed this starting in  elementary school, all through college and even on my job. My superiors always told me I was bright, articulate, and brilliant.  They would write home letters to my parents and even have individual conferences with me to say,”you are the smartest person in my class, but you just don’t try hard enough” I will never forget my Professor Dr. Cole at Bennett calling my mother to tell her that I was about to get dropped from his class for failure to attend. I would go into his class less than once a week and still get A’s on my quizzes  but the tests I would get C’s because I would know the principals of it without studying but not the in-depth things we would learn in class. I was just never motivated enough to sit in class and attempt to be better than an average student.

Don’t get me wrong there were classes and various parts of my career where I have excelled, but most of the time, i did just enough to slide by. If I didn’t love it, I didn’t do it. And its been one of my major flaws in life. When I’m not in love with the right now aspect of something I underachieve. When I do love something I try to overachieve in the subject. But the major problem in this is that sometimes you have to excel in the things you don’t want to, so that you can get to the place where you need to be..

I then relate this to my relationship life, I love hard. As nonchalant and honest as I am about most things, when it comes to love. I really love, love. Call me hopeless romantic or call me stupid. But I truly believe in Love. But see the thing about love is that it hurts you. From the time we are little girls, we are taught that it is our job to receive things from a man. We are taught that if we do what he says, we will get what we want. And I want to know where this started? Even I would do that with my own daddy, if I frowned enough or begged enough, my daddy would give me exactly what I asked for. We as women are taught that just by our looks we will get what we want.

Especially in relationships! Women think that just because they are beautiful they can convince any man to give them what they want. But I want to know this: When was the last time you as a woman thought about what you could offer a potential man? When was the last time you analyzed and googled your self to see what comes up? Women are so quick to point out the bad in men that they don’t see themselves for who they really are.

Let me get even realer, what man wants  to date much less get into a serious relationship with a woman over 25 who’s only pictures are of her and her child/children or at the club. I mean really? You can’t possibly think you are going to snag a millionaire or your potential husband in the club every night. Its cute at 22 but at 27 not so much.

You see, I don’t make those common mistakes in the pursuit of a significant other, I’m not at the club every night, or do I constantly male bash, or do I always think there aren’t any good men out there. I however am a user. Yep, I use em.

When I meet a man, I use that same psychology I used to always use on my daddy.  Assess and then go for the kill. I’m a good woman, I may not be the skinniest woman or look like a model but I can guarantee you that on the surface level the things that every man wants I have. I can cook, I’m nurturing, I’m educated and Intelligent, I’m funny and I’m pretty, I know how to cater to a man, and I have a keen knowledge of being able to see a man that has been severely neglected.  What I often see in their eyes is the same desire I have, to feel wanted and needed by someone. Maybe they have a temporary desire or maybe its a permanent one. But the overall need is to feel like there is somebody out there who will care enough about them to spend time with them.

I’ve become almost an expert in this category because men do the same thing, they asses what they are willing to give to a woman in order to have her. I’ve never blatantly attempted to use anyone and matter of fact,it wasn’t until typing this blog that I realized that I really was using them.  I have the gift of using what I have to get what I want.

But I unlike men, don’t ever determine the price of my actions. Yes, If I really wanted to go out on a date every night, I probably could. Yes, If I wanted to drive or fly to another city to spend time with him, I probably could. But what cost is this? Sometimes, I’ve called a man because I was too damn lazy to really pursue a relationship with somebody else. Here I am being my usual slacker self and not honestly working hard for a relationship because I was trying to be an underachiever in the love category. If I feel like he’s making me work to hard just to see him, I drop him. If he doesn’t give me what I want, I erase his number. If he bores me on a date, its done.

But here’s the deal women we don’t NEED a man to come in and handle our financial and material needs especially when we are assiduous enough to make our dreams really happen. I never thought that I was doing anything wrong because men do the same thing all the time. If there is a woman who won’t give them what they want, then they are dropped, if he knows he has to work to hard to get something he will quickly drop her. But, I have focused so much time on trying to get what I think I want that I have  missed out on the things that I have need.

So much wasted energy spending time with him and him because I knew I was going to receive something either then or later on down the line that I missed out “him”. The truth is, I have never forgiven myself. Forgiven myself for the mistakes I made in my own personal life, I have this constant desire to feel needed or wanted. I hate when people say this streams from childhood, because I really didn’t have this messed up childhood. My mother always kissed, my daddy too and everyone always told me they loved me. But I don’t exactly remember at what point I felt like I had to feel wanted. I’ve sacrificed on so many of my desires because I needed to feel needed: He needed me because I was able to sexually satisfy him or he needed me because he just needed someone to listen. But when did I set my standard so low on the requirements of my heart.

I don’t need to feel needed when I genuinely love myself. There are different types of love for self, you see I love myself. I take pride in my appearance, I think I am beautiful. But I don’t love myself enough to acknowledge my worth.

I am worth more than my body, I am worth more than a money here and there, I am worth more than “I love you” every now and then and I am CERTAINLY worth more than a meal with some drinks.

So today I make a change, for myself and whatever sista that needed to read this, I hope you make a change today too. Stop being an underachiever, know that whatever you are willing to give out, someone else should be willing to give out to you. Know that nothing is to hard for God.  If we want more we have to be willing to give up the old and embrace the new. We can’t expect love to find us, if we sacrifice our own happiness for the sake of pleasing someone who genuinely could give a shit about u. The person who loves you, won’t cheat on you, the person who loves you will not be married, the person who loves you will not pull you away from your girlfriends so that they can monopolize on your time, the person who loves you will commit to you and only you, the person who loves you will not hit you, the person who loves you will not try to manipulate you, the person who loves you will not see you working hard and not offer to give you some sort of relief, the person that loves you wants the BEST for you and your heart and the Person who loves you starts with yourself.

We can’t possibly want Love if we aren’t willing to sacrifice our own temporary gains… So For Every Sista that Wants and Needs love, I take the pledge with you.

I must end this with a prayer.

Dear God: Bless the woman reading this, let her know that she is your child, Lord, and that  she is worth the love of someone who loves her but first God let her love her self enough to accept your true will in her life. Lord you said in your word that to let your will  but Lord sometimes she may not see your will for her so Lord, let your will show bright in her life. Let her act of disobedience to your will, break the strongholds that over power her life. If there are barriers Lord, move them out of her way. If she is afraid of failure and loosing her financial stability  Lord, show her that you are the way, the  truth and the life. Let her know that only through you will all things be made new, Lord I pray that this woman will follow you forward, forward in loving herself more, forward in better decisions and forward in her service to you Lord. Teach her how to Love God, show her that real Love is about forgiveness of herself first and of all the things she has done in the past Lord. Lord move her heart to tell the truth to herself, and admit the wrong she has done that has only hurt herself ; move her to change her ways Lord. Lord, bless this sister and enlarge her territory give her that thing or idea or vision she has been praying and asking for. Lord I ask that she will learn to increase herself in you and decrease herself into her whole selfish ways. Lord let her know that everything will be alright if she keeps the faith and that only through the acknowledgement of your son Jesus that she will be made new. Lord, you make all things new and it is because of you that the past is  behind us. I ask that you cover her with your son Jesus’s blood, I ask that you provide for her when she feels as if she will regress instead of progress and lastly Lord, I accept my calling for the Evangelism of your word. Lord, for so long I have fought your calling in my life, fought the calling of spreading your word, but Lord, right now I accept it. I honestly and fully give myself away Lord so that you can use me to save others.  Lord thank you for pushing me into my destiny. I know that the best is yet to come for my sisters and for me because we are obedient in your sight. Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord, Thank You Lord…

In Your SON JESUS CHRIST’S NAME I PRAY…

AJ..

Be Blessed my sisters..

“I’m not going back
I’m moving ahead
Here to declare to you
My past is over in You
All things are made new
Surrendered my life to Christ
I’m moving moving forward
You have risen
With all power in Your hands
You have given me
A second chance”

Do We Choose Fear or Love?

15 Dec

When most people love, they attempt to love without fear. True love is knowing that the person you adore and love can totally destroy you but chooses not to. True Love is the absence of fear. But how do we learn to love without fear? True enough, we are often defined by the relationships that have destroyed us or those relationships that have helped us grow. But the fact of the matter is we can’t possibly learn to love others if we are afraid to do so. How can we possibly learn to love a new mate if we haven’t learned to accept and love the people in our lives that God joined us with i.e., family. Regardless of how you feel about your family, you can’t control who you were born to!

If you don’t love, you are constantly in fear. Wether its the fear of failing in a new relationship, fear of actually caring enough about someone else to see your own desires falter.  If you don’t love, you are only fearing yourself and your own destiny. God is in control and we must submit ourselves to the universe. To love each other and to love the things that God has created. Have you ever took the time to really look at the food before you buy it, or before you eat it? Have you Taken the time to smell the vegetables or smell the fruit  to see the manifestations of God’s love? When we take the time away from truly loving our bodies and our minds, we take the process of self-discovery of nature and God’s own creations. There is no way you can love if you have fear. Adversely, there is no way you can be fearful if you have love. The very essence of the word fear is having doubt in your mind.

I remember when I fell in love with Jesus. I remember pouring out my heart and trusting only to him that my life would be different from that point on. That day was the best day of my life! Essentially I had been living my life in fear because I didn’t love God enough to put all my hopes and cares in him. Do you realize there is NOTHING  to hard for God? We can’t possibly love God and fear the economy. We can’t love ourselves and fear never getting married. We can’t be afraid of our future if we don’t love.

Although fear is a true human emotion and at some point or another we will all observe the emotion of fear. We must not live our lives in fear. I promise that if you choose to love instead of fear the whole direction of your life will change. Not just love of ourselves but love of the unverse and man kind.

I’m a naturally giving person, I get it from my grandmother, she will give everything to anybody. I really believe she does this because she loves people so much that she chooses to live without fear of how her own things will get taken care of. Now while my grandmother’s approach to things are very radical, I’ve attempted to do the same in a lot of aspect of my life. Even when I was jobless, I still tithed and to this day I have never had a day without food, or gas or anything that I needed. I received most of my wants too because I was faithful enough to live without fear. I love God and have so much faith in him that I will not live my life fearing a job, fearing an income, fearing anything because I chose to love God and trust him. I love God so much that I partake in giving him 10% of my income. Really, all the blessings and sources of income I receive are from God so giving him 10% is NOTHING. Life is the sum of the choices we make, if we choose to love or we choose to fear, life will always go on. So I ask you today, do you choose to fear or Love..

Peace and Blessings

So Why am I Single?

29 Nov

Everyone from my Ex to my grandma want to know why I’m single. When I give men my stats: “late 20′s, great cook, no kids, college educated” their immediate response is “why are u single”
How the hell am I supposed to know?
I can’t lie I often wonder what is wrong me! I have everything men ask for but yet I’m single. I have girlfriends that are single and I know why! They are nagging and annoying and slightly crazy. Me on the other hand I don’t display the “usual” single woman tendencies. I go to church, and I love football!
I just want someone who loves me for me! Is that to much to ask for?

Don’t get me wrong this blog isn’t my ploy to say I’m desperate for a man, because truth is, if I wanted to, I could go on a date every night!! I’d rather have 1 person to grow with than multiple people.

My ex said I’m a bit rude to strangers, but he’s the only person that said that, he also said I wasn’t jazzy enough when every guy I’ve ever dated said I was too jazzy!

But for once I’d like to meet someone that just is genuinely interested in me! Someone that is not married, or has ridiculous baggage that’s still there, or isn’t interested in a serious relationship.

I’m not saying we have to meet and immediately fall in love and get married!! Companionship that’s all! Somebody to go do things I can’t do alone! Like the circus or bunjee jumping!

I’m not worried about when it will come because I know it will! I haven’t been in a serious relationship in over 2yrs! But I wish people would stop asking why I’m damn single!!!! Geesh! Lol
My heart is ready and willing and I know this is seriously all about God’s plan! I’m not trying to force anything!

My name is Jeneé and I seriously have no clue why I’m single!

Goodnight!

Hello, Im a Serial Dater

20 Nov

My Name is Jenee and I’m a Serial Dater

I’ve been on a total of 10 dates in 15 days. Needless to say its exhausting.

*Disclaimer: if anyone I’ve gone on a date with reads this, I’m sorry, I’m a blogger everything goes on my blog, don’t take it personal*

Thinking back into my dates, all the men are starting to sound, look, feel the same. Not having a connection with anyone slightly worries me. So here are the stats.

3 are single fathers.
1 is an “entrepreneur”
10 are under 5’10
5 are in graduate school
1 sells dogs for a living
All are over 28-35
1 Brought me Flowers
1 I paid for myself because he said he wasn’t “hungry” and didn’t offer to pay for my food.
1 has a roommate
1 was my ex

I could go on and on. They all come from different socio-economic backgrounds, and are of every hue in the brown family. They are all brothas.. I give most dudes a try, If you ask me on a date, I will probably say yes, as long as its feasible with my schedule. But what kills me is that I don’t have connections with any of these people. Umm what’s wrong with me?

The 1 guy I liked hit me with a text that said “I really like u but I need to close a previous chapter I left open before I start 1 with u” Really dude?!?! You didn’t realize that before you asked me on a date. We had talked on the phone about everything and u failed to mentioned you were dating someone else. Nicca, I didn’t ask you to marry me. We were just spending time together.. But I digress

I’ve probably been to every restaurant, bar, bookstore you can name and I will admit a chick is tired..

No, I will not come to your house to chill, we just damn met and have only been out in public once!!

I could write a book just on these dates, but they would be pretty boring like all of these dudes. My girlfriends love to date. Me, not so much. Time is money to me, and all this time I’m giving to guys who aren’t even worthy of it, is starting to annoy me. My main problem with being single is that I never have a shortage of men who think I’m beautiful and smart and genuinely like me or even men who just wanna have sex with me. But it baffles me because I see these guys and I don’t like any of them!!

Who made this whole dating thing up? Who invented this crap? I just need 1 person who can deal with my bs, likes my cooking, loves me for me, and doesn’t want kids (or anymore if he has them already)
I’m not open to the idea of having a person growing inside of me.. Lol
Meanwhile, its a Saturday night and I’ve gotten 2 date requests.. And therein lines my weekend dilemmas. I don’t want to at home but I don’t feel like dealing with dudes I really don’t like!! I guess its true before I find my handsome prince, I’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs

Help!!!!

Signed
Miss. Jenee the Serial Dater

Verbal Intercourse

13 Sep

When I started my blog it was a way to vent or release. But it has turned into more than that. People read my blog to be nosey Don’t lie, I know you do. Some people read it for encouragement and some people just read to be informed. Whatever the reason you read it, I hope that my life blesses you in some degree.

I started to think about the things that most of the people that know me via Twitter, Facebook, my blog don’t know about me. Because, truth of the matter is, I’m like a Vidalia Onion. You see I often doubt my self-worth, I can cook very well, better than mosts folks I know, but more importantly I LOVE to cook for people.  But more than the superficial things about me, I have a serious thing for Verbal Intercourse. I love to be intimate with my significant other using words. Reaching down into each other’s spirits and pulling out the very  things that plague our souls and our hearts.

In reality I can’t have those types of relationships with everyone because then it connects them to me. I can’t help but to feel spiritually connected to someone after I have let them take a glimpse into my soul. But I have figured out that those who you thought you had a spiritual connection with can hurt you as well. Its not the kind of heartbreak we get when someone we love cheats or the relationship sours.  Its the type of feeling that even the most descriptive of words can’t describe. It literally feels like the person God intended on being your soul mate just died. Like you lost a part of yourself in someone and they don’t even have a clue that it happened.

Not saying I’m so old in age, but I don’t get to experience spiritual connections often. I have been in 3 serious relationships my entire life and we NEVER got to that kind of spiritual level, so when I finally met someone that I had that kind of connection, I was honestly trying to keep that person in my life because to some degree they were my soul mate.  But when you intervene with God’s plans there are consequences. What should have been a platonic spiritual connection turned into an emotion filled long ride.. But if that situation taught me anything it was that in real-life fairytales, u don’t need someone to save u, just someone who can let u save yourself. This person helped me to find myself and I will always be grateful for them..

So now in my current situation, I have found that I am longing for verbal intimacy. That is more important to me than actual physical intimacy.  I need someone to reach so deep inside my inner thoughts that I have no idea they are even doing it.  I’m growing day by day and I have realized that all the superficial things we desire in a mate don’t matter if we don’t have a soulful connection to someone.  The feeling of being literally re-energized and full of the spirit of God. I’ve learned that the Holy Spirit speaks through other people and I know that people speak to me directly from her!!

Algebra said it best when she sang “Its the same old story, just another lifetime, Girl wants to be  rescued, from all the hard times.  You can be Prince Charming, I’ll be Cinderella. Don’t want a fairytale, just give me ever after.”

I pray that in this new relationship we get to the level of verbal intercourse that I desire if its God’s will.  Although the entire way I am approaching our situation is different and new, I see that all of the things that happened before now prepared me for this exact moment.  Everything doesn’t happen according to when we want it to happen. There are men who desire to take it slow and build up to intimacy of any form and I adore that. I adore the fact that I’m excited about seeing someone and its not on a physical form. I adore the fact that someone remembers the things I say and actually does them! I am even more excited for the moment we can have verbal intercourse.. I can feel it coming..

I now understand that I have always wanted to hang on to that initial  soulmate fixation. TV, church and even our family teaches us that’s what love and spiritual connections is supposed to be. So we run around searching for external gratification and constant verbal gratification when in reality its, its  something we really can’t maintain.

I thank God for my circumstances and situations because it taught me that God intended love to be more logical just by the fact that he  commanded us to love.  We don’t get to choose love, God gives it to us. If biblical love is a conscious decision, why are we searching for something we “fall” into? One day I will be in love and I now understand that  the person I choose to commit myself to  will be someone who will not just commit himself to me the way God commanded us to love each other but will understand the spiritual connection.

I know everybody ain’t that “deep” but don’t settle for a companion when God has sent you a soul mate that will revive your heart body and mind on a daily basis.

Peace and Blessings

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