I remember the first time I fell in love. It wasn’t with a boy or a man it was with my Doll collection. I had collected hundreds of Dolls and they were my prize possessions. Mainly because they were all Black Dolls. I was very adamant about having black dolls and although they were few and far between, I required everyone in my family to buy me a black Barbie Doll.
I had everything you could imagine to go with my Dolls. Hundreds of Clothes, Cars, Houses, shoes. Actually, my Barbies had more clothes than I did. I would brush their hair and change their clothes and create roles and jobs for them. I rarely went outside, if I wasn’t reading a book, I was playing with my dolls. But the reality is I fell in love with things that couldn’t love me back. I fell in love with THINGS!
Not a person but a dream-world of what I envisioned my life to be. Without knowing I had created a predisposition to the way I viewed love. I fixed my mind to loving something that couldn’t love me back. This created a prerequisite for my future love life.
I can never go back to those moments and decide to love a boy @ my school, or church, or camp more than I loved my dolls. I truly believe that understanding this has enabled me to speak directly to my true calling in life.
To Love and To Be Loved
As a society of people we are embarrassed by love. The utterance of the very word can be obscene in the eyes of some. But we must understand that Love is the most important thing in our lives. Its the thing that we should fight for and die for, the thing we yearn for but yet we feel its taboo to call Love’s name!
Everyone is so cynical about love and the generations after me are so afraid to give themselves to another person and fall completely in love. Blame it on society or predisposed — notions, the reality is they believe sex is intimacy and pleasure doesn’t have to involve an emotional investment.
Even my generation is confused on the understanding of Love. If a woman age 25-80 talks about love in her day to day life, than it is taken to extremes. People assume that she is “desperate” for someone to love her and even more desperate for a man. No one even cares to imagine that as women we are passionately interested about the culmination of Love. Because having true love in our lives is the definition of God’s presence in our lives.
As I purge through songs & books about love many fail to put the real meaning for love in it. Once I realized the dolls couldn’t love me back, I gained a deeper relationship with God. I understood that he alone is the author and finisher of love. When I felt overwhelmed or upset, my Love and understanding of Jesus taught me that God could speak to my heart to comfort all doubt and pain. More importantly, the true definition of Love.
Ill admit I want to be so in love that it crucifies my heart. Ideally I would have learned as a child how to correctly love others but learning my love language I have now taken into context that I am a giver a “doer”, a “nurturer” it started with me doing everything for my dolls and continued throughout all of my relationship.
I would do and expect nothing in return. But I was not secure in my worth and my value to understand the true essence of love. Love and abuse can not coexist. The men in my life abused my giving spirit and in turn didn’t love me the correct way. I won’t say they are bad men, but the reality is, they didn’t love me enough to not allow me to “do” so much.
In result I desired and clinged onto finding real love.I know the bible says “he that findeth a wife finds a good thing” but I was anxious. Call it a desire to reach ultimate fulfillment but I stand firm and believe that I was and still am in search of Love because God has not given be true fulfillment in the presence of my soul mate.
Love is the will to extend my purpose of nurturing into another person’s soul and spirit. But likewise in the male form. He must nurture my needs and love languages as well. We merely exist if we aren’t loved and are loving in the highest form.
We can’t say we love someone if we aren’t ready to surrender our trust and lives to another person.
But see my point in this blog is this: Love is not some huge secret that only a few people can define. Love lives in the hearts of those who are in such divine peace that their hearts can nurture and uplift the hearts of others. Love lifts us into a different dimension. Its not merely the words in the bible, it occurs in thoughts and actions.
We try to dehumanize love, our hearts get convoluted. Love is the same to everyone. It is when our bodies, spirits, and minds are one with another person. Not just romantic love but the love we share with our family members and our friends.
We can’t be at the highest pinnacle of love without love for each other.
I am a lover and a believer of all the things that love stands for. What the person I love suffers, I want to suffer for, where he is emotionally, I want to be. God is love and our 1 true destiny! Love sustains me and Love Lifted me.
Learn to love today, not something but somebody. Don’t be ashamed of the word or the actions, love fully, openly and with intimacy.
Xoxoxo
Jenee
Tags: heartache, love, Relationships
Wow! Its been a minuet since i have read your writing (please forgive!) But this hit home for me on so many levels.
I know this feeling all to well, but i am grateful that i am learning the difference. Through my slips and dips with this same subject I am learning about my Father so much so that i am honestly happy right now. I may not have what I want, but I am constantly being filled with an amazing love. Ill get whats for me soon enough. No doubt the waiting is hard, but worth it, i have faith in that.
My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!
How u must be somthin…got a degree in lov writin i guess…well im not a fancy myself but i belive in lov. Its a beutiful but powerful feelin…show som lov by replyin this messag it is an act of kindness wen show respect that love rit their.