This week on Nightline there was a documentary on ” Why can’t a successful black woman find a man?” I didn’t watch and I didn’t care to watch because I think it is a pointless conversation. The more women become successful the more they will “think” they don’t need a man. It’s not just BLACK WOMEN its WOMEN period. The more successful you are the harder it is to find a mate, male, female, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, Indian etc.
I just had a conversation on Twitter, about Brandy who said on The Wendy Williams Show that she didn’t need a man, and she was working on her. I’m all for self-improvement but Brandy stop lying! As women, we function off the desire to be needed and wanted by a man. Its not just mental its spiritual. Men should be the head of our lives.
So I asked the question to a few male friends of mine. The question was “Are Men afraid of working hard on a relationship? They work hard on careers and money but why do they find it hard to work on relationships? Is it lack of desire”
I received an overwhelming response to my questions. Here are the answers from men that are married, divorced, single, in a relationship ages 25-40:
“Sex is too easy”
“They ask for too much, too soon and too fast”
“If we are talking about Real men, and the lady is worth working hard for, he will work hard and go through the hell’s fire for her”
“I just think men will be human,stereotypes just make us feel better, niggas ain’t shit”
“No money is not an option, plenty pussy out there to have, women come and go, but as a man money, success defines us as a man”
“Not all men, and with these new age women. Sometimes its difficult to work hard on relationships, most men want to know that a woman is willing to work hard for that relationship too”
“No, they have no incentive to when you live in a place where there are more women than men and half the men are gay, so lack of desire is the right answer”
“Because career and money will make a relationship come easier for a man”
“Most men look at a relationship as giving up, Men are hunters, how do you all of a sudden tell a hunter to start growing vegetables, he will eventually want to kill”
“if a guy doesn’t give 100% to his relationship it’s cause it’s something he doesn’t take seriously, not something that he fears”
“It’s not just men, its women too, our generation is more into having fun than our predecessors”
“men will work hard at anything they feel is worth working hard at”
“with women, especially black women yall want a husband,but don’t want to submit”
“My theory is get money then deal with the rest later because I want my wife to respect me as a provider”
“no I think it can be primary contribute to lack of communication and women forget they are the helper, If a woman want time with her man-she needs to speak it and both needs to agree to put time aside for each other, man’s main role is to provide and a woman’s main role is to help. I feel folks get provide and help mixed up”
“some men just arent dedicated to put in the time and work needed to build a solid foundation. Behind every strong man, theres a strong woman. And if the strengh and the bond is there, then the career and the money will be there but stronger and better”
Even Charlotte from Sex and the City said “It’s infuriating! Women sit around, obsessing about what went wrong, while men just say “alrighty”, and move on.”
The phenomena is this. We have got to do better. When I say do better, I mean make an honest and conscious decision to be better people, for the future of our generations. It can start with one man who influences his friend to get serious about being in a relationship with the woman he keeps cheating on, but yet she is at home taking care of his children. It even can start with Steve Harvey and his Strawberry Letters to let women know how stupid they seem when making relationship decisions.
It never ceases to amaze me that there are men who have children women, married or unmarried then leave their women and their children but then expect what ever woman that marries them to just “submit” and be behind the man. Regardless of the situation as to why the man left the children, the truth is, How can women learn to be a good wife when we were raised COMPLETELY BY A WOMAN WHO HAD TO DO IT ON HER OWN?
The bible says IN Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” The Lord God wanted to make sure we knew, status or no status, money or no money, a man’s TRUE VALUE is in having a relationship with a woman whom he can call wife.
Men will work hard to make sure they obtain a nice home, make sure they work hard so that can have “status” in the community and work even harder to look good but when it comes to finding a woman, but when it comes to committing to a woman they don’t do it.
Don’t take this as me bashing men, because undoubtedly there are SOME GREAT men out there. My uncle is 1 of the greatest men I know. He has been married to my aunt for over 40 years and they have a very happy marriage with 1 child. My grandfather was a great man too! He married my grandmother had 3 children and raised her child as well. He worked everyday and was the provider. Both my uncle and aunt were raised by single mothers but yet they overcome and became successful and stand up men.
So what about our daughters? How can women learn to be better at their “jobs of being supportive” when the daddy is constantly molesting us and was never there? What about our sons? How can he do is job at providing for his kids if his mama is sleeping with every man in the complex?
So what can you do? You can make a consious effort about who you deal with. Platonic and Non Platonic. Every person you meet and decide to pursue has a lasting affect on your spirit. Stop opening up your legs male and female to any and everybody. Kids or no kids, your spirit is waiting on you. Yes, we make mistakes and the man/woman who thought the world of could have been a very bad choice but the choice is up to you. Women stop looking for a man. Scripture notes the man will FIND the woman. Make it an effort to STOP talking so negative about men around your friends, families and children! Why would we want this generational curse to continue?!
Teach your children or even children that aren’t your own love stories. When was the last time you told your daughter about a successful love story? Women and Men alike! Men don’t understand if its not taught. Women won’t understand if its not taught. SPEAK LIFE into the lives of our children. Instead of telling them the negative aspects and that all men are evil teach them the story of the love that brought someone you know together.
Its easier said than done. But I know the power of God is looking to us to change how sacred marriage is. Its not about how much money you have in your account but how much of a friend you are to your mate. If she/he has the trust/dependability of her mate that moves mountains. Just think about how much more a man/woman can do if they are together?
xoxox
Miss.Jenee
Love this part “a man’s TRUE VALUE is in having a relationship with a woman whom he can call wife.” and I wish you have added “a woman’s true value is in helping her man whom she consider to be her husband”
A good man wants to be love and satisfied and most importantly helped by his WOMAN(without compromising your principal/beliefs)
Ladies, if you want the secret to keep your man happy. Let him be the leader. He is the provider of you. Understand when your daddy pass him off to your husband – he passed the “provider” status to your husband via transferring the power of leader. Now grant some of your fathers may have passed on and as a result it can call resentment and bitterness toward the husband for all the wrong reason.
Men cheats because if you are not helping your man at home by taking care of his needs! Not shifting the blame entirely on the woman but I am bringing light to the fact.
I was blessed enough to meet the author of this blog whom saw that I was in a vulnerable state- she guided me to light.
When a pure heart see others in trouble the best thing they can do is to help as opposed to take advantage of them. It is very rare to meet a person like that.
During this trying times for a lot of people it appears that when the man is not working and yet the woman is working – it can cause strife and unnecessary pressure in a marriage or relationship. If the man was working and the woman wasn’t working then it is gravy. Think about how your great grandparents and ancestors used to do it on One income and most often the woman did a side business.
Yet the leader must remind the helper and as well himself of the vows they took at the altar. Trust me you will experience all the vows throughout the marriage.
Most of my male friends are divorcing because of a variable of reasons – but the common reoccurring theme is they (both sexes) forgotten their roles and as a result the foundation is destroy.
There is nothing wrong with doing for self – but honestly it gets old. A man want to share his wealth with a woman whom is after his own heart not his money.
James Brown sang it best “This is a man’s world
But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl”
thank you for your reply! Especially from a married man!
I cannot stand it when someone says men cheat because their women are not meeting their needs! What about the wives to cook, clean, iron, and have sex with their husbands when their husbands want it, because the wives LOVE their husbands and want to please them…but in turn, the wives STILL go to work AND school to better themselves, in order to help supplement the income and to financially support their husbands through school?!?! Do you REALLY think it’s fair to be a husband who works and goes to school and expects the WIFE to do everything in the house, AND work, AND go to school…while the husband is out doing whatever HE wants WHEN he wants? PLEASE! What about the man just taking responsibility for HIS cheating?!?! While neither party in a marriage is perfect…it is NEVER ok to cheat! Stop making excuses for you cheating, men…and then MAYBE, just MAYBE…fewer women will feel it’s ok to start acting like men and start cheating just because there are problems in the relationship…MAN up and hold YOURSELVES accountible for a change! No offense to the decent men out there who DO take responsibility for their own actions.
Spoken by a woman who has never cheated…no matter WHAT a man in her life has done.
I am coming from your same stand point, girl! I have never cheated, I cook, clean, work take care of EVERYBODY and still get cheated on. Some men are just natural born cheaters. I dont know if its hereditary or just stupidity. I can’t stand it! lol
Men aren’t scared of working to make a relationship hurt we just 2nd guess ourselves a lot b/c we never know if we are in the “right relationship”!
I agree with Fred. Alot of times, I don’t know if I’m in the right relationship, and also, after putting forth alot of effort and coming away with nothing, over time I start putting less and less effort in as a result. I believe I’m a good man. Unfortunately most women don’t want a good man, they want the “exciting man”..the man you see womanizing, with “swag”, and really doesn’t need you and has to fit you in his schedule. Its mind-boggling. Seems like when I show genuine interest in a chick, I have worse result than when I just get the number only thinking about how long will it take to have sex. I know nice guys finish last mostly anyway but with black women being a gentlemen only works if they feel like they TAMED you into that gentleman from your playing ways. Stupid. I’m still out here looking but I’m seriously about to be scarred for life…if I don’t find her once my career takes off I’ll probably be a player until I’m 50 LOL
When its the right relationship you will know! Trust. And that “nice guys finish last” line is bogus. Because at one point or another you weren’t always a nice guy. You have lied, cheated on and wronged a woman. My philosophy is we are all human and we all make mistakes. Just pray the mistakes you make don’t cost your life or another person’s sanity.
HA! Thanks for posting! I really enjoyed the report. I’ve already bookmark this article.